Looking for Bears in the Straight World

Plains, April 2014

The problem with living on the Plains is, all the gay men look like this.

Smooth, blond, 21.

Anxious to get you into bed, but not to be friends afterwards.

And if you do become friends, they won't be around long: they're planning to run off to the nearest gay neighborhood as soon as possible.

The guys who stick around past 30 are typically heavily closeted, on the downlow, with wives and girlfriends waiting at home, requiring "discretion" for hookups and no socialization after.

So how do I build up a friendship network, like the ones I had in West Hollywood, Florida, and even Upstate?  Guys to chat with at the bars, see at parties, have over for dinner.

Maybe if I find some bears -- chubby, husky, hairy guys, typically over 40, therefore more settled, likely to stick around town for awhile.

1. Work

There's a gay employees group that meets at a different restaurant in town once a month.

January:  12 lesbians, 2 straight allies, 1 gay man in his twenties who gives me Attitude.

You get Attitude just trying to make friends?

February: 6 lesbians, 4 straight allies, no gay men.

March: 8 lesbians, 4 straight allies, 1 gay man: Mike, a professor of education in his 60s, who agrees to a date later.

A muscle bear, rather handsome, with a hairy chest and a little belly, and a nice Kielbasa.

It's not really a date, since we never leave my apartment.  A little conversation, bedroom activities (mostly oral), and he leaves.

When I suggest more activities, he states that he's busy: club meetings, organizations, dinners with straight friends every night of the week.  But he'd be happy to come over for another hookup.
 

2. Church.


There are only two gay-welcoming churches in town. I select the Unitarian-Universalist Fellowship, which is more dedicated to social issues than spiritual enlightenment.  Every Sunday there's a new sermon on something I should feel guilty about.

I'm not eating organic, free-range, fair-trade, low-carbon footprint, locally-grown potatoes;

I'm shopping in stores that oppress workers in Guatemala.

My fitness regiment is elitist, oppressing the poor who don't have the time and money to join a gym.

I drive a car.

Besides, there's only one gay couple, Hank and Wayne, 50s and 70s, and they're totally assimilated, hanging out with straight people all the time.

I try to befriend them anyway, and end up with an evening of intense boredom, discussions of room additions and favorite recipes, and a date with their 21-year old boy toy, Jimmy.

3. Bear Parties

In West Hollywood and New York, there were bear parties every weekend, where 30 guys got together for socializing and sex.  Why couldn't I host one on the Plains?

I put an ad on craigslist and some social media sites: Bear Party, husky/hairy/chubby guys and their admirers.

Crickets.  Silence.  A few inquiries like "Will there be any really goodlooking guys there?" and "Will there be any young, cute guys there?"

Five guys show up, all smooth twinks in their 20s.

Ok.  I try again: "Gay and Grey Hookup Night."  Younger ok, but over 40 especially welcome.

More inquiries like "Will there be any young, cute guys there?"

This time I get six guys, all over 40.  All closeted, downlow, "is this discreet?", with constant discussions of "my wife" and "isn't this or that actress hot."

Sex only (mostly oral), no socializing later: "I told my wife I was out shopping for tires."

Ok, one more time:  "All ages and body types welcome."

Twenty guys, ten closeted downlow "is this discreet?" bisexual chubby bears, the rest out-and-proud, open gay twinks.

I guess I'm stuck with the twinks.

There are worse fates.


See also: My Platonic Friends and Their Boy Toy; Yuri and the Muscle Daddies.