A Hookup with a Hobbit

Plains, May 2015

Last night I was on Grindr, trying to coax a skittish Cute Young Thing with blond hair and an enormous Mortadella into coming over.  He asked question after question:

"How big is it?"
"What do you want to do?"
"What do you want me to do?"
"Are you hot?"
"How long will it take?"
"Do we have to have chit-chat first?"
"How old are you?"
"How big is it?"
"What do you want to do?"
"What do you want me to do?"
"Do you do this often?"
"What are you into?
"Will anyone else be there?"
"Do you like younger guys?"
"What do you want to do?"
"How big is it?"

I was getting more and more frustrated.  Hookups are supposed to be a form of recreation, not arduous chores!  But I had put so much time into this guy, I hated to just tell him to forget it.


Then I got buzzed by one of those guys with a blank profile, no name, age, height, weight, or description of interests, just a face and chest.  A bear cub: in his 30s, bearded, chubby, hairy.

"I don't have much time, I'm just passing through town, but I'd like to stop by."

I don't invite guys over without getting some background information, including a phone number for insurance, but I was frustrated, and besides, I haven't seen a hairy chest for awhile -- all I seem to meet  nowadays are smooth twinks -- so I said "Fine."  I gave him the address and the access code for the apartment building, so I could buzz him in.

Less than five minutes later, he was knocking on my door.  How did he get here so fast? How did he get into the building without being buzzed in?

He looked like a hobbit from The Lord of the Rings: about 5'3", with dark curly hair, and a short beard.

He was evasive during the pre-bedroom chitchat.

Boomer: "What do you do?"
Hobbit: "I hang out, you know, a little of this, a little of that."

Boomer: "Where do you live?"
Hobbit:  "Oh, it's a very small town.  You've never heard of it."

Boomer: "Are you gay or bi?"
Hobbit:  "I'm not into labels."

Boomer:  "Ok...um...what was the last movie you saw?"
Hobbit:  "Something on Netflix, I forget the title."

Sighing, I took him by the hand and led him into the bedroom.

He was very much into kissing.

We took off our clothes --except he wouldn't take off his socks.

The Hobbit's penis was average sized, uncut, very thick, which looks enormous on a short guy.

He put me on my back and threw my legs in the air.

"Um...I'm not into anal..."

"That's ok."  Apparently hobbits use that position for oral!

He was very adept, but the position was so strange that it took me a long time to finish.

Then I turned him on his back, kissed him for a while, and went down on him in the same position.

He finished quickly, with a gigantic spurt that kept spurting.  I have never been with a guy with such a large burst.

Afterwards we cuddled for awhile, but then the Hobbit said "I really have to be going.  Pressing business to attend to."

I stood, pulled on my pants, and did a quick check of the room to see if anything was missing.

We walked out into the living room.

"Hey, can I get a picture?"  I asked.  None of my friends would believe this!

"Sure."  His pants on but his shirt still off, the Hobbit grinned for my smart phone camera.  Then he shook my hand and left.

The evasive answers, refusing to take off his socks, the extraordinarily large spurt -- something was a little off about this guy.

I checked my smart phone.  Somehow I managed to take a picture of the bookcase to the Hobbit's right, not him!

Weird paranormal hookup, and no way to prove it.

When I checked, the Hobbit's Grindr profile was gone, but the Cute Young Thing was still up:

"Are you there?  How big are you?  What do you want to do?"

See also: Gay Ghosts, Vampires, and Supernatural Beings