None of that on the Plains, nothing gay at all except for the gay-friendly coffee house, so your usual evening entertainment is Netflix and hooking up.
But only with teenagers and twinks: the older men moved to gay neighborhoods long ago, or are "bi-curious" and terribly closeted.
Here are the 20 top pick-ups from my 3 years to date on the Plains.
1. The Straight Boy It was kind of flattering to be asked to be the "first time" for a so-called "straight boy," until he started laying down the requirements: no real names, no face pics, don't tell anyone, I don't want to do anything I don't want to do, and what if someone sees me coming in?
2. My Platonic Friends and their Boy Toy. One of my few attempts to hook up with someone close to my age: a couple in their 50s from the gym. Instead I had to endure two nights of horribly boring conversation about room additions and car models. But I did manage a date with their housemate, Jimmy.
3. Nguyen the Gym Rat. At a conference in St. Peter, Minnesota, I picked up the Vietnamese guy who worked in an art gallery, but got a date with Nguyen the Gym Rat instead.
4. My Dad's Navy Buddy. Weird story about a guy who looked and acted like my Dad's old navy buddy from the 1950s. Could have been his grandson, I suppose.
5. The Dakota Boy. At least I thought he was Dakota: we met at a Pow Wow, where he was staffing a booth that sold corn on the cob as a snack. Turns out he was a white boy cruising for Native Americans, and thought I was Dakota.
6. The Biker. When the chunky guy with the beard, redneck baseball cap, hairy chest, and thick Bratwurst showed up at a bear party, I figured he was in his 30s. Turns out he was only 23.
8.The Guy with the Daddy Fetish, who I picked up at a comic book store. He had cerebral palsy and a Daddy fetish.
9.The Teenager at the Bear Party. Joey was 19, but wanted to come to a daytime bear party to hook up with the over 40 crowd.
10. The Waiter at the Pizza Place. A Protestant fundamentalist pizza place that played Christian music and had Bible verses on the walls.
11. . The Boy Who Had Never Been Kissed. He had been with guys before, but never been kissed.
12. Ricky with a Y. A crazy date with a rich kid whose parents owned half of the state and criticized everything I did.
The Adonis. He burst into the gay-friendly coffee house and ignored me, no matter how enthusiastically I cruised him.
14. The Boy at the Farmer's Market. He was selling homemade pickles.
15. Freshman Orientation. An Asian guy who was playing volleyball at the gym, and got stuck in my office during a tornado warning.
16. Bastian, an 18-year old high school senior who my friend Gabe dated. I came along to "share."
17. The Teenage Boy and His Mom. We hooked up at the gym. I thought he was bringing his hot friend along, but it turns out he was bringing his Mom.
19. The Tourist Brothers. The Plains is apparently a tourist destination, and a heterosexual nuclear family was checking out the sights while their teenage sons were checking me out.
20. My Host's Son. Picked up at a heterosexual party. We dated for the next six months.