Everybody has dated or hooked up with someone famous, or at least someone who's been in front of a tv camera, but a good celebrity dating story has to have five characteristics:
1. He has to be recognizable to the audience. Someone who starred in five episodes of a long-gone sitcom doesn't count.
2. He has to be attractive.
3. He can't be out. Who cares about your date with a gay guy? We want closets, down low, dish.
4. The sexual activity should be explosive, even if it was mediocre at the time. This is an erotic story, after all.
5. The date or hookup should be verifiable.
That's why my go-to celebrity dating story is Michael J. Fox, even though it's been 30 years and nothing erotic happened. He's a recognizable star, he's attractive, he's straight, and I can prove that we had lunch. I can invent the explosions.
My friend David in San Francisco has been hooking up with at least one guy per day since 1996, but that good celebrity dating story has always eluded him. He usually goes with Brad Pitt, even though it was actually a 4-way, and the details aren't verifiable.
But today, David calls and tells me, "I found a new celebrity hookup story: Skyler Stone."
Who?
"Do you watch Raising Hope?"
"Skyler Stone played Cousin Mike in the first episode."
I remember him. In his underwear a lot, frizzy haired, hairy chest, sort of chunky, with a sizeable bulge.
"It was about five years ago," David says. "I was in Los Angeles for a conference, and some of the guys wanted to go to a comedy club. One of the performers was a cute kid named Skyler, who did stoner characters [five years ago, Skyler Stone was 24]. I didn't think anything of it until I saw him on Raising Hope."
"How did you meet?"
"I ran into him in the hallway, of all places. I said I was a fan from San Francisco. He loves the City. We got to talking, and ended up going back to my hotel. He went down on me while masturbating, but wouldn't kiss."
"Doesn't sound like the most exciting sexual experience."
"No, but he's a celebrity, and I need a celebrity hookup story. What do you think?"
"It will work," I tell David. "It just needs to be fleshed out a little, maybe tweaked."
Skyler Stone is a famous comedian who appears regularly at the Laugh Factory and the Improv. He has 54 acting credits listed on the Internet Movie Database, including The Rules of Attraction, Accepted, Lost, and CSI. He starred in his own tv series, Con, on Comedy Central in 2005.
Everyone in the audience will think "Sure, of course he's a big star. I'd better not admit that I never heard of him."
An angelic face that counter-balances his stoner persona, wavy blond hair, a buffed physique, a hairy chest, and an enormous Mortadella++ beneath the belt.
The audience will be imagining a blond Adonis.
"He was cute, but not angelic," David says. "And not that well hung."
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," I tell him. "And cock size doesn't need to be verifiable."
3. Straight
Married, with a daughter.
"But he wasn't married then," David protests. "I thought he was gay."
"He might be bisexual, or mostly straight but interested in men on occasion. But the key is, he's definitely not gay."
[Skyler is gay-friendly, however. He directed Why Men Go Gay in L.A. (2009), about a straight guy who has such bad luck with women that he decides to turn gay. And in 2012, he and buddy Mike Smith pranked the homophobic Chick-Fil-A by making out in one of its stores.]
4. Explosive Sexual Activity
David and Skyler fell onto the bed, kissing and groping each other. David tore Skyler out of his clothes and went down on his gigantic Mortadella+. Skyler moaned and trembled as he spurted into David's throat. Then David pushed Skyler's legs in the air and topped him, thrusting in and out, while Skyler became aroused again. When he finished, they collapsed into each other's arms, cuddling and talking softly until they fell asleep. In the morning, they exchanged telephone numbers, but David was going back to San Francisco in a couple of days, and they never got together again.
"But that's not what happened," David complains. "I didn't top him."
"Just a little colorful exaggeration."
5. Verifiable
Skyler Stone definitely appeared at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles in the spring of 2005. David's conference is verifiable, too.
"With those changes, do you think Skyler Stone makes a better story than Brad Pitt?" David asks.
Here's a link to the story of David's hookup with Brad Pitt.
Which do you prefer?
Postscript: David started using Skyler Stone, but since he disapproves of "colorful exaggeration," he used the real version.
See also: Raising Hope
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