The One Thing Kerry Wants in a Guy

West Hollywood, December 29th, 1998

I'm back in West Hollywood for New Year's Eve.  Lane and I are having breakfast at the French Quarter, catching up on the gossip of who dated who, who moved in, who broke up, during the 3 1/2 years I've been away.

"And guess what?" Lane says in a confidential hush.  "Kerry finally found a boyfriend! He moved into his apartment about two months ago!"

We met Kerry at the gay synagogue in West Hollywood several years ago.  He was 21 years old, a theater arts major at UCLA, sharing an apartment off Melrose with two roommates and working in a video store, where he always found a gay-themed movie to promote as his "Pick of the Week."

He stood out in the crowd: tall, a boyish all-American face, smooth sculpted physique, and a shock of red hair beneath a yarmulke decorated with little shamrocks.  One doesn't meet many redheaded Irish Jews.

Turns out that Kerry grew up in an Irish Catholic household in the Boston suburb of Braintree.  On his 16th birthday he shocked his family by going downstairs for breakfast in a yarmulke and announcing that he was converting to Judaism.

AND that he was gay.  In the same conversation.

That's chutzpah!

No wonder he moved 3,000 miles away to go to college.















We bonded over our outsider status, surrounded by guys who grew up kosher.  Lane and I had him over a few times for dinner and sharing: an oral bottom, average sized, surprising for a redhead, but with that face and physique, who cared?

He was very popular at the synagogue, at the gym, and at the twink bars. Some of the most desirable guys  in West Hollywood were asking him out.

There are six traits that make a guy stand out as boyfriend material in West Hollywood: movie industry connections, an extraordinary knowledge of the arts, a handsome face, a bodybuilder's physique, a gigantic penis, or money.   Kerry was being asked out by Cecil B. DeMille, Leonardo Da Vinci, Leonardo DiCaprio, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jeff Stryker, and Richie Rich, or the West Hollywood equivalents.

BUT: lots of first dates, rarely a second, but by the third, he was shouting "Next!"

No matter how hot the guy was, Kerry always found something wrong with him: bad breath, weird tattoo, unmade bed, a yapping dog, ordered the most expensive item on the menu, said something bad about Boston, lived outside the gay neighborhood.

Maybe he didn't really want a boyfriend?  Maybe he just liked meeting new guys, going out, and the bedroom activity after?

But he kept complaining: "I want to find my soul mate, the one I was destined to be with.  I want there to be fireworks the first time we kiss!"

We lost contact after I moved to San Francisco, and then New York.  Finding out that he has a boyfriend -- and they're living together --  is huge!

Who is this Adonis who has risen above all other mortals, with their snoring and farting and eating peanut butter right from the jar, to become "the one" for the extraordinarily picky Kerry?

"I don't know.  Kerry doesn't bring him to synagogue, and he won't tell us anything about him, except his name is Mat with one 't'."

"Well, I've got to meet this Mat with one 't'!  Do you have their phone number?"

He doesn't, but he has a friend from synagogue who does.  I call, and get us an invitation to visit after dinner tomorrow night.

I wonder which of the six traits Mat will have?  Maybe all six!


December 30th

We drive to a rundown apartment building, brown adobe with bars on the window, on Willoughby, where West Hollywood meets the Straight World.

Kerry is a few years older, of course, but still has a boyish all-American face and a pale, tight physique.  Mat is about 30, thin, rather scruffy looking, with unkept black hair and a three-day growth of beard.

I check the six traits, one by one:

1. Wealth.  No -- the apartment is small and cluttered, with no dining room and just one bedroom.  They serve us cake on mismatched plates.

2. Movie Industry Connections.  No -- Mat has a clerical job in an office on Wilshire.  Kerry has given up on his acting ambitions, and is taking classes in human resources management.

3. Knowledge of the Arts.  No.  We discuss Ricky Martin.  the Matrix, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

4. Handsome Face.   No.  His face is long and narrow, his eyes too small.

5. Bodybuilder's Physique.  No.  Mat is rather thin.

Then he must have #6, a Gigantic Penis!

Sharing with two guys is rare, and neither of us find Mat particularly attractive, but we start cruising him anyway, just to see what his beneath the belt gifts are like.

We go into the bedroom.  I kiss and fondle Kerry, and he kneels and goes down on me while Mat goes down on Lane  -- without taking his pants off.

Mat doesn't stand up until Lane finishes.  Seeing my opportunity, I kneel in front of him, unzip him, and find -- average, maybe a little small.

But...Kerry is an oral bottom!  He likes them big!

Kerry kneels beside me.  "Can I help you with that?" he asks.

Ok, I can't figure it out,  So I invite Kerry to lunch a couple of days after New Year's and ask.

January 3rd.  

"What sets Mat apart from the other guys?  What was the initial attraction?"

"Oh, his face, his personality, his wit," Kerry answers.  "And his penis, obviously."

"It seems a bit on the small side to me."

"Who cares about size?  It's uncut!  Didn't you notice when we 'shared' that  was all over you and barely touched Lane?  I love uncircumcized men!"

For Kerry, it all boiled down to a foreskin.

Gershom Practices on Me for His Date with the Gentile

West Hollywood, January 1993

In the gay Jewish community of West Hollywood, dating Gentiles was frowned upon.  They would push you to abandon your customs and traditions, and maybe even try to convert you to Christianity.

At the same time, Gentiles were stereotyped as wild, barbaric, sexually voracious, and gifted beneath the belt.

So when Lane and I started dating in 1989, some of his friends grumbled in Yiddish Voz is er azoy gut?, Why is he so great?  

Others squeezed his shoulder and whispered "Congratulations!"

Gershom was one of the shoulder-squeezers.  He was in his 30s, tall and slim, with curly black hair, thick eyebrows, sensual lips, and a scraggly beard.    He always came to Shabbat services at Beth Chaim Chadashim, the gay synagogue, in a suit, even in L.A. heat, and wore a prayer shawl for davening.

One Friday night after Shabbat services, he approached me at the refreshment table. "Boomer, vi geyt es du?" he said.  "Ken ikh fregn ir epes?"

Sometimes people spoke to me in Yiddish to feel me out, see if I was one of them.  But Gershom knew I wasn't Jewish.  What was going on?

"No comprendo," I said in Spanish.

"Sorry, sorry."  He grinned. "I go back to Yiddish when I'm nervous.  Let's take a walk outside, ok?"

Curious, I followed him out onto bustling Pico Boulevard.   "What's up?"

"Well...you know Bernard and I broke up a few weeks ago."

I didn't know, but I nodded.

"We started dating almost the moment I got to West Hollywood.  Eight years we were together, and totally monogamous, no sharing."

Where was this going?  Was he cruising me?

"Well, there are lots of cute guys at the synagogue," I said. "As soon as word gets around that you're available, they'll be knocking on your door."

"That's the thing.  At work there's a new guy, Nathan, a blond angel, so cute I can't stand it!  And smart -- he speaks five languages.  And he's cruising me constantly.  And yesterday he asks me out!  I'm thinking, 'my first date in eight years!'  Where should we go?  What should I wear?  And then I get all ferblunjit." 

"Sounds great.  What's the problem?"

"The problem is, he's goyische -- a Gentile!"

"So what?  You're not prejudiced, are you?"

"Well -- you see I'm not very experienced.  I've only been with four guys before, other than Bernard, and none of them were Gentiles."

How was that possible?  But, I figured, he grew up in Brooklyn's Hasidic community and now lived in the heart of L.A.'s Jewish neighborhood.  He had a job in a travel agency that specialized in flights to Israel.  His entire social life revolved around the synagogue and the Gay Jewish Alliance. How would he meet anyone non-Jewish?

"We put our pants on a leg at a time, just like you.  And take them off."

"Well, that's the problem... you don't get a bris, you're nischt mie -- uncut, right?"  He looked down at my crotch.

I instinctively covered it with my hand.  "Right, I'm uncut, but circumcision is pretty common for Americans.  I wouldn't worry..."

"Boomer, Nathan isn't American, he's French! From Marseilles!"

"Ok, then, he's probably uncut, but what's the difference?  It's still a penis."

"What's the difference, oy -- what if seeing one makes me sick?  Or I gag on it?  Or the foreskin gets caught in my teeth?  The date will be ruined!"  He looked down at the sidewalk.  "Nu, I was wondering, if Lane doesn't mind, could I...well, could I practice on you?"

I was surprised, but not unpleasantly.  "Sure!  We can all get together tonight, if you like."

"Oh, no, I don't have sex on Shabbat. And the date is tomorrow night!"

Wait -- no sex during the 24 hours from sunset Friday to sunset Saturday, and then the date begins?  "How will we have time?  Sharing on the first date is a really bad idea."

"No, no, not sharing," Gershom said quickly.  "I have it all figured out.  I invite you and Lane over to have dinner with us.  Then they sit down in the living room to watch a movie, and I say I need help in the kitchen, with dessert.  Nu, while they're busy, we practice in the kitchen.  Then I'm ready for Nathan.  Simple, es iz ams?"

As simple as an episode of Three's Company.  "What if Nathan catches us together during his date with you?  He'll be furious!"

"That won't happen, I promise.  Please -- I really need to practice."

Lane, always up for an adventure, agreed to the plan.

On Saturday night, Gershom prepared a nice kosher dinner of brisket, fried potatoes, cabbage, and cucumbers in a cream sauce.

Nathan was a Cute Young Thing, tall, svelte, in his mid 20s, with blond hair and a handsome, clean-shaven face.  He was new to West Hollywood, a flight attendant who visited L.A. for the first time last month and decided to stay.

"I have not met a Juif before Gershom," he explained.  "Your religion, it is so fascinating.  I want to know everything! Tell me why you do the circoncision of boys.  And how you know when food is kosher."

And indeed, he asked so many questions that the dinner seemed more like a Judaism 101 lecture.  But eventually we moved into the living room, and Lane took over the answers.  Gershom asked me to help clear the table and get the dessert ready.

We went into the kitchen and shut the door.

Gershom tried to unzip me right away, but I said "We have to kiss, or I don't get in the mood."

So we kissed and groped for awhile.

"Feels like an ordinary penis," he said in a strangely disappointed voice.  Had he been expecting some diabolical pointy thing?

After a few minutes, I dropped my pants, and Gershom fell to his knees and got to work.  He did an excellent job.  I finished very quickly.

"Was I ok?", he asked, rising to his feet again.

I zipped up.  "Yeah, great, but we'd better get back out there, or Nathan will get suspicious."

We needn't have worried.  When we went back into the living room with our tray of chocolate mousse and pot of coffee, Nathan was on his knees in front of Lane.

We both stared.  I cleared my throat.

Nathan pulled away and jumped to his feet.  "Désolée, désolée, Gershom.  I know it is our first date.  But I was worry.  I have never before been with a gars who was circoncis, and I wanted to be nice for you later."

"It was my idea," Lane said with a grin.  "Why should Gershom be the only one who gets to  practice in advance?"

We had our desserts and left them alone, to finish their date without any distractions.

They only dated twice -- apparently they didn't have a lot of erotic interests in common --, but Nathan's fascination with Judaism continued.  He began coming to Shabbat services. Soon he was inquiring about conversion.

By the way, Reform Judaism does not require its converts to be circumcized, so he remained uncut.

See also: Scandalizing the Orthodox Cute Young Thing; Lane's First Trip in the Straight World; The One Thing Kerry Wants in a Guy