A Hook Up with Burt Ward on the "Batman" Set

On Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons in the spring of 1991, after my course in Biblical Hebrew at UCLA, I often drove up to Brentwood to visit Cesar Romero, the actor best known as The Cisco Kid in the 1940s and the Joker in the 1960s Batman series.  We didn't become friends, exactly; we sat in his living room drinking lemonade, while he told about the many celebrities he had hooked up with through his career: Johnny Sheffield, Tommy Cook, Desi Arnaz (father and son both), Cary Grant, Walter Pidgeon, Raymond Burr, Tony Perkins,  Tab Hunter, Rock Hudson.

And Batman and Robin both!

He had gone down on Adam West (Batman) several times at all-male parties before he began playing the Joker.  No big surprises there.

But Burt Ward was 21 years old, a sheltered, conservative college jock who was not even aware that same-sex acts exist until  Adam West explained.  He allowed Cesar to go down on him once ("Huge!  A Kielbasa!"), but was never really comfortable around gay people.

So this story leaves me with a few questions.

Warning: there is a bisexual scene.

Hollywood, Spring 1967

Call me Scott.  I was one of the writers for the Batman series in the 1960s.  I wrote for the villains, making them as camp as possible.  My favorites were the women: Catwoman; Black Widow; Olga, Queen of the Cossacks; Marsha, Queen of Diamonds, played by Caroline Jones (Morticia of The Addams Family).  

But the male villain had their charms.  Many of them were gay: Cesar Romero (The Joker), Burgess Meredith (The Penguin), Victor Buono (King Tut), Liberace (Chandell).  After filming we used to go out to the bars, or to Cesar's house for an all-male party.   Adam West (Batman) and one of the costume designers came on occasion, but not Burt Ward (Robin).

I definitely wanted an opportunity to make it with Burt.  Have you seen the bulge in his tights?  Well, I've seen it close up!

Everyone said he was a sheltered, shy kid who didn't even know that gay people existed.  Even Cesar Romero struck out, and he made it with every guy in Hollywood.

Well, one day I got my chance.

Remember all those cliffhanging scenes, with the Dynamic Duo tied up?  We filmed the start and finish at the same time, to ensure continuity, which means that they sometimes had to stay tied up for a couple of hours.  Often they were left alone on a secluded stage for 20-30 minutes, with nothing to do but get hit on.

Some of the girls in the crew were notorious for taking that opportunity to kiss and fondle the helpless victims.  They would even bring in their friends to get a handful.  I never saw any penis actually come out, but there was a lot of groping and tenting -- I've seen both Adam and Burt fully aroused.

Ok, maybe they weren't entirely helpless -- most of the props were rather flimsy, so if they really worked at it, they could escape.  And, one yell would bring a stage hand running.  Maybe they enjoyed the attention.

In an episode we filmed just before the 1967 summer hiatus, Burt was tied up alone, spreadeagle on a table.  I walked past during the staging, as usual, and saw two girls working on him, #1 kissing him and #2 rubbing his crotch.

I walked up, said "Let an expert show you how it's done," then pulled out his cock.

Burt didn't protest -- he was busy kissing Girl #1.  I don't think he even noticed me.  I licked his balls, then his shaft, then drew all 8" into my mouth, sucking on the head while masturbating him.

He moaned, probably thinking that Girl #2 was going down on him.  Then she said "Who invited the fairy to the party?"

Burt looked up. I immediately moved my mouth away from his cock, but continued to masturbate him.

"Hi," I said.  Not much else to say in that situation.

"Oh, hi."  Burt looked at me for a long moment.  I couldn't tell if he was mad or not.  "Say, can you get Dick a girlfriend? [Dick Grayson, Robin's alter ego]. Fans are starting to talk."

"Sure, buddy, no problemo."  I returned to his cock.  Girl #2 shrugged and moved up to kiss him.  A few moments later, he spurted into my throat -- enormous load!  I wiped him off with my handkerchief, and moved on.

I tried to keep my word, but my "Dick's Girlfriend is Kidnapped" idea didn't make it.  But I did manage the next best thing: The premiere episode of the third season introduced Yvonne Craig as Barbara Gordon, Batgirl!

And no, I never had the opportunity to go down on Burt again.

The Top 10 Gay Rumors about Scott Baio

Today Scott Baio is a bitter, right-wing blowhard who regularly makes homophobic and Islamophobic comments and is a passionate supporter of the Orange Fuhrer.  But when I was living in West Hollywood in the late 1980s, he had the goods.

Charles in Charge premiered in 1984, with 24-year old Scott Baio as a rather dorky college student working as a live-in nanny to three bratty kids.  After one season, it was cancelled.

 It returned in first-run syndication in  1987, hipper and sexier, with a new, softcore-porn rendition of the opening song:

Charles in charge of our days and our nights.
Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights.
I want --- oooh --- I want Charles in charge of me.

 The kids were no longer bratty -- one was a teenage supermodel.  And Charles was a confident A-Gamer.

Who had a chest, and wasn't afraid to use it.

And a bodybuilder boyfriend named Buddy (Willie Aames).

I never went to tv show tapings, unless I had out of town visitors.  They were tacky and touristy.  But I went to Charles in Charge several times, just to gawk at Scott and Willie.

Scott was so fey, and the gay-subtext buddy-bonds were so intense, that everyone  in West Hollywood assumed he was gay.

Well, maybe bisexual: he was linked with Heather Locklear, Melissa Gilbert, Leslie Ann Warren, Nicolette Sheridan, and Nicole Eggert, who stated that she lost her virginity to him in 1989, at age seventeen.

But the gay rumors were ubiquitous.  Most were the standard backstage hookups and closeted dates, but there were others -- vulgar and raunchy, about abuse, domination, and humiliation.  They make you feel sorry for the guy.

Here are 10 most interesting rumors about gay hookups and dates:

1. His first gay experience was in 1976, when he was 16 years old, with Eddie Mekka, who played Carmine on Laverne and Shirley.

2.  Scott had a three-way with his cousin Jimmy and Ricardo Montalban, the star of Fantasy Island.  .Details vary, but they involve oral, anal, or BDSM.

3. When Scott was appearing as Cousin Chachi on Happy Days, Henry Winkler (Fonzie) asked him to "sit on it."

4. He also dated Donnie Most (Ralph Malph).  Donnie was an anal top with an enormous Kovbasa+.

5. Scott hooked up with Jonathan Ward, who played the dorky Douglas during the first season of Charles in Charge.  This was a few years later, when Jonathan was 20 years old.  Scott went down on him and then bottomed.

6. He regularly hooked up with James T. Callahan, who played the elderly Walter Powell.  Callahan often went down on Scott in the dressing room.

7. My friend Mario said that he was set up on a blind date with Scott around 1984.  The bedroom activity mostly involved wrestling and "forced" oral.  No cuddling or kissing afterwards.

8. A volatile, on-off relationship with Willie Aames, his costar on Charles in Charge.  There were constant jealous fights on the set.  Once they got into a fist fight over allegations that Scott was cheating.

9. Cesar Romero told me that his friend Jason dated Scott during the late 1980s.  Cesar often asked to "share," but Scott refused.  He did allow Cesar to watch, though.










10. Will the Bondage Boy's boyfriend Rick told us that Scott answered his personal ad for a BDSM "hard master" in 2002.

Of course, most of these stories are probably made up, but if only a few are true, Scott Baio had a very interesting teen idol career.  Surprisingly, most of them end in 1990, when Charles in Charge ended.  I wonder if it's a coincidence.


See also: Nude Photos of Willie Aames; Rick the Hard Master Tops Scott Baio; and the Boomer Beefcake and Bonding entry on Scott Baio

"On Your Knees, Boy": Johnny Sheffield Almost Becomes Tarzan's Lover

Born in 1931, son of stage star Reginald Sheffield and socialite Louise Van Loon, Johnny Sheffield was already a star at age five, playing "Pud" in the Broadway play On Borrowed Time.

In 1938, MGM movie Tarzan Johnny Weissmuller picked him out of 300 hopefuls to play his adopted son, Tarzan Jr., renamed Boy, in Tarzan Finds a Son!  He kept the role going for eight movies at MGM and RKO.

As the years passed, Boy co-opted Jane's role as Damsel in Distress: in the climactic scene of every movie, he was tied to something and about to be killed or violated while Tarzan rushed to the rescue.  Tarzan and Boy became the chief jungle couple, while Jane took to staying home in the Escarpment, or leaving altogether ("visiting America").

Big John and Little John were inseparable off-camera, too.  Weissmuller was married to Beryl Scott at the time and having innumerable affairs with men and women, but it was Johnny Sheffield who appeared with him at the Brown Derby and the Trocadero, at movie premieres, on drives up the coast to Malibu.  When Johnny was fifteen, Weissmuller bought them a house on the beach near Santa Barbara, where they could get away for weekends of swimming, fishing, and sunbathing, just the two of them.

In the 1940s, no tongues wagged about the "couple."  Many people were not aware that LGBT people  existed, and those who did thought only of swishy queens. Johnny Weissmuller was 6'4" and all muscle, a "real he-man."  No way he could be a "swish."

And, in fact, there was nothing sexual going on:  Weissmuller never touched Johnny in that way. 

Even as a teenager, when he developed a beautifully muscled physique and a dazzling matinee idol smile.

Even when the Tarzan series ended and they separated, Big John to play Jungle Jim (1948-1955) and Johnny to star in his own Bomba the Jungle Boy series (1949-1955), Big John still treated him as a little brother, a son.

Johnny found this odd -- since around his 15th birthday, every single person he met, man or woman, boy or girl, without exception, wanted to peek under his loincloth.  And he gave quite a few of them the opportunity: Tommy Cook, his costar in Tarzan and the Leopard Woman; Peggy Ann Garner, his costar in Bomba the Jungle Boy; Cesar Romero, Bobby Driscoll, Jean Simmons.  Why was Weissmuller immune to his trademark flirting?

He was especially interested because he had heard from several of Big John's former lovers that he was gifted with the biggest cock in Hollywood, a veritable third leg.  Johnny was always a bit self-conscious about his size (barely 5"), and anxious to see what the cock of a Greek god looked like.

One day in the summer of 1953, they went swimming, and Big John, as usual, carefully turned his back to put on his swimsuit.  Johnny had had enough. "Why don't you ever show me your manhood?"  he asked.  "You'll show any stranger on the street.  You're more proud of it than your Olympic medals.  Aren't I important enough to rate?"

Big John turned around, startled.  "Of course you are," he said.  "But you know, it's not just a look.  When I show them, they always want to touch it, and then they want me to go to bed with them, and I don't want you to end up in my bed.  You're my son, my Boy, not some random fairy."

Johnny chuckled.  "I promise I won't go to bed with you.  Lord knows I get enough offers as it is."

Big John still refused, but Johnny persisted, and cajoled, and flashed his trademark flirting smile, and finally he said "You're a little pain in the neck, you know that?  One look, fine, but no touching"

They went back to the house, to the master bedroom, and Big John dropped his swimsuit. Johnny stared: his penis hung down about 4", long and thick even when dripping wet from the ocean. His balls hung down even farther.  Johnny always thought that the key to a man's erotic power was in the size of his balls, not his dick.

Johnny couldn't help himself -- he reached out and lightly cupped Big John's balls.  His own penis started to stir.

Big John had a weird expression on his face, stern like a schoolmaster facing a class of dullards.  "On your knees, Boy!" he commanded.

Johnny didn't know if he meant "Boy" the character, but he obediently dropped to his knees and put his hands around the hardening cock. Now it was at least 9"!

"No, Boy, with your mouth."

Johnny had gotten head a lot, but he had never given head.  That was just for women  -- and queers, like Cesar Romero, right?  But this was Big John asking -- no, commanding!

He opened his mouth as wide as he could, and Big John's cock became hard as an iron rod, thrusting past his tongue, hitting the back of his throat. Johnny gagged and spit, grabbed Big John's butt cheeks to steady himself, and prepared for the onslaught.

Johnny was too busy trying to do a good job to find it erotic.  What was he supposed to do with his teeth?   Was he supposed to use his neck and jaw, or wait for Big John to enter him?  What would he do with the sperm?

And suddenly the thought hit him with the force of a gigantic penis.  Would he and Big John now be...um...boyfriends?  A pair of queer lovers?  Would Big John leave his wife?  How could either of them continue their careers as queers?  Billy Haines had to retire...and...

Suddenly Big John spurted down his throat.   Johnny ran to the bathroom to spit it out and wash out his mouth.

They didn't become lovers.  In fact, Weissmuller was rather cool and distant for the rest of the day.  They didn't see each other again until his son's birthday party, nearly a month later, and after that only rarely.

Whatever bond they had was broken.

The next time someone asked for a peek beneath Johnny's loincloth, he told them in no uncertain terms to back off.

Johnny retired from acting in 1955, got a degree in business from UCLA, and spent his life in farming and real estate.   He lost contact with most of his old Hollywood friends.  Johnny Weissmuller, Maureen O'Sullivan, Ford Beebe, and Tommy Cook got Christmas cards.  Trying his best to put those days behind him, Johnny refused requests for interviews and autographs.

As the years and decades passed, requests grew fewer, fans grew older, John himself grew older.

He concentrated on his home in Chula Vista (a suburb of San Diego), on his wife Patricia, on his children -- he helped his  sons Patrick and Stewart start a successful construction company -- on his grandchildren.  No one recognized him anymore.

On the rare occasions that he saw an old photograph or clip from one of his movies, Boy and Bomba seemed like other people, with no connection at all to John Sheffield of Chula Vista, California.

He never told anyone about that afternoon at the house in Santa Barbara when he and Weissmuller almost became lovers, until one day in July 1989 when his 23-year old son -- the quiet, bookish one, the one who didn't like sports and was shy around girls -- came to him and said "Dad, I've got something to tell you...."

See also: Cesar's Three-Way with Desi Arnaz Jr. and Dean Paul Martin; Tarzan's Boy Johnny Sheffield; Matt Hooks Up withTarzan's Grandson.

Cesar's Three-Way with Desi Arnaz Jr. and Dean Paul Martin

Brentwood, May 1991

Cesar Romero, the 1940s heartthrob and 1960s Batman villain, is telling me about some of his more memorable hookups.

"I was the go-to guy of Hollywood," he brags.  "Gay, bi, closeted, I didn't care, as long as you met my standards."

"Which were....?"  I ask.

He squeezes my knee.  "Under 40, handsome, nice hair, and hung like an elephant.  I've dated or tricked with Johnny Sheffield, Tommy Cook, Desi Arnaz, Cary Grant, Walter Pidgeon, Tony Perkins, William Holden..."

"But what about more recent stars, the ones I knew in my childhood in the 1960s and 1970s?"

"Well, you already know about Burt Ward, who played Robin on the Batman series.  Then there's Rock Hudson, Gregory Peck, Desi Arnaz Jr....."

Desi Arnaz, Jr, one of my biggest childhood crushes!

Born in 1953, Desi grew up in the shadow of his famous parents, Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz Sr.  As a teenager he started a boy band, Dino, Desi, and Billy, with his friends Dino Martin (son of famous crooner Dean Martin) and Billy Hinsche.  From 1968 to 1972 he starred in his mother's sitcom, Here's Lucy, as she tried to draw young fans.

During the 1970s, Desi appeared in any number of gay-subtext movies: Marco, Billy Two-Hats, Joyride, Gridlock.  

Later I would see him in The Mambo Kings (1992), playing his father, Desi Arnaz Sr., who takes a professional -- and obviously homoerotic -- interest in two Cuban brothers (Armand Assante, Antonio Banderas).

"You've been with your close friend's son?" I ask.  "Did Desi Senior know?"

Cesar laughs.  "My boy, not only did he know about it, he arranged it!  But that's a story for another time.  I'm a bit tired."

It takes a few more visits and a lot more wheedling before Cesar is willing to open up about Desi Arnaz Jr.  Why, I wonder, is this memory more troubling than all the others?

West Hollywood, February 1971

In the spring of 1969, Cesar guest starred on Here's Lucy as a handsome jewel thief [the episode, "A Date for Lucy, aired February 10th, 1969].   He hadn't seen Desi Jr. for several years, and he was impressed with how the 16-year old had blossomed -- strong, self-confident, yet androgynous, even fey.  Cesar wondered if the boy might be that way, like his father, but to avoid tension with Lucy, he didn't say anything.

Nearly two years later, near Valentine's Day in 1971, Desi invited Cesar out to lunch and said "My son's got a problem.  He's not straight."

Cesar laughed. "I've suspected that for some time, but it's hardly a problem if you're discrete."

"Aye, que barbaridad, cabron!  He's not discrete at all."

It seems that when he turned eighteen, Lucy and her husband Gary Morton gave Desi permission to move into an apartment with his buddy Dino, not realizing that they were both that way.  Now the boys were cruising on Hollywood Boulevard, echando hustlers,or in Griffith Park where undercover cops patroled, or maybe even in the "fag bars" west of San Vicente, that got raided every five minutes.  It was only a matter of time until they were arrested,or outed on the front page of The National Enquirer.

Cesar didn't ask how Desi knew all of this; he suspected that it was mostly speculation, or perhaps a reflection of his life-long feud with Dean Martin and, by proxy, his son.  He merely asked "What do you want me to do?"

"Put the reigns on him." Desi said.  "Teach him to be queer the right way.  Keep it between friends, like when we were young."

Cesar was intrigued by the possibility of introducing both Desi and the very attractive, wavy-haired Dino to the joys of "a friendly gesture between friends."

So he called Desi, and got an invitation to their apartment off Selma in Hollywood -- rather a sleazy, bohemian neighborhood, full of druggies, radicals, jazz musicians, performance artists -- and queers.  Hardly a proper neighborhood for two of the most famous young men in the world!  But if you wanted lots of opportunities for same-sex liaisons....

Desi was a little taller than his father, and more muscular, with black hair and deep-set black eyes.  He shook Cesar's hands warmly, and sat him on a leather couch with a can of beer and a plate of brownies. Cesar didn't ask if they contained marijuana.

"Your father tells me that you boys may be getting into trouble, hanging out with the wrong crowd, like...for instance, going to fag bars."

"I'm not gay!" Desi protested.  "I dig chicks.  I just like a little man-on-man action from time to time.  What's wrong with that?  Your generation's just uptight."

"No, no, being queer....um, gay...doesn't bother your father at all.  After all, I'm his best friend, and I'm gay too.  He's known for years."

"The famous Latin lover Cesar Romero is a friend of Dorothy?"  Desi said with a grin.  "I wish I knew that last year, when you were on Here's Lucy.  We could have had a lot of kicks."  He moved across the couch and grabbed Cesar's knee.

"That's the point," Cesar said, struggling to keep focus, to not get aroused.  "You can't trick with every Tom, Dick, and Harry.  You have to be cautious, keep it in the family.  Just go with friends.  Like Dino."

"Oh, we never do each other," Desi said, unzipping Cesar's pants.  "He's like a brother to me.  Sometimes we share dudes, though.  Girls, too...."

Desi went down on Cesar's uncut Bratwurst, and pulled out his own aroused Kielbasa.  Cesar moved them into the 69 position on the living room floor.

A few moments later, Dino came in.  "Bringing your tricks home?" he asked.

Desi raised his head.  "Dino, you remember Cesar Romero, Pop's friend?"

Dino laughed.  "You really know how to pick them, bud.  Mind if I get in on some of that action?"

Soon Dino and Desi both were working on Cesar while he fondled them.  When he finished, he went down on them at the same time.  Dino was a little bigger than Desi, and thicker around, but with thirty years of experience, he managed.

He noticed that they didn't kiss or fondle each other.

Desi finished first, and went into the bathroom to wash off while Cesar went down on Dino alone.  He shivered all over as he finished with a gigantic load.

Then they all dressed and returned to their beers.

"Cruising in the bars is too risky," Cesar said.  "If you're found out, it won't only ruin you, it will ruin your parents.  Their careers will be over.  Better to keep it among friends."

"That may have been true in the Dark Ages," Dino said, "But it's a new world.  We have Gay Liberation now.  Nobody cares if you like boys or girls, or both."

Cesar hoped that he and Dino and Desi Jr. would become close and start meeting regularly for  "friendly gestures between friends" like those he had with Desi Senior in the 1940s.  But they refused lunch invitations, and never had him over for coffee and sex again.

Maybe they only liked it with strangers.


Was Cesar Telling the Truth?

Dino and Desi did share an apartment in the 1970s.  Dino's bisexuality is well known, and Desi has been the subject of bisexual rumors (he lived with Liza Minnelli, whose four husbands have all been gay).

But in 1971, Cesar was 65 years old, and a friend of Desi's father.  Would Desi really want to hook up with him?  Would Dino?

But...Cesar was hesitant about talking about Desi Jr, as if the memory was painful.  His hope for an ongoing friendship was never realized.  That gives his story a ring of truth.

See also: Cesar Hooks Up with the Entire Male Cast of I Love Lucy.; Dean Paul Martin.

Lane's Hookup with Batman, Robin, and the Joker

West Hollywood, March 1991

Everybody in West Hollywood had a good celebrity dating story.

Older guys claimed to have dated Marlon Brandon, Cary Grant, or Rock Hudson.

Younger guys claimed hookups with Scott Baio, Johnny Depp, or Keanu Reeves.

Everybody claimed sausage sightins of Rob Lowe, Tom Selleck, and Sylvester Stallone.

Since nearly every actor was closeted in those days, and vehemently denied any "accusations," it was hard to tell which story was real, which an exaggeration of a casual meeting, and which just wishful thinking.

But Lane didn't have any good stories.  Oh, he had dated some actors: a minor cast member of M*A*S*H,  the star of a Saturday morning tv show, a guy who played a Klingon on Star Trek.  But nobody really famous.

For someone who grew up a stone's throw from Paramount Studios, it was downright embarrassing.

"You can have my Celebrity Boyfriend," I told him one day.  "We broke up a while ago, but I'm sure I can arrange some sharing."

"The guy who starred in one tv show that nobody watched?  I'd rather stick to my M*A*S*H story."

"How about Michael J. Fox?"

"I don't want a getting-coffee story.  If I'm going to do this, I want at least a sausage sighting out of it!"

Then I had an inspiration:  "How about Cesar Romero?"

Lane frowned.  "The guy who played the Joker in the old Batman show?"

"You mean Sophia's boyfriend on The Golden Girls," I corrected him.  "And also the Cisco Kid.  And a Latin lover in about a hundred movies.  He was a big heartthrob, back in the day."

"How do you know the Joker?"

"You know that love seat in my room that's impossible to sit on?  I got it from him."

A couple of years ago, I answered an ad in Frontiers and bought a gold-and-white loveseat from Cesar Romero.  It turned out to be horribly uncomfortable, hard and scratchy -- I never sat on it; mostly it held clothes that I was to lazy to throw in the hamper. But I kept in contact with the barely-closeted Hollywood legend.

"Isn't Cesar Romero like a hundred by now?" Lane asked.

"He's a distinguished older gentleman," I answered, "But still in good shape -- I've seen him at the gym, walking on the treadmill or cruising in the steamroom.  Besides, when you tell the story, you can push it back a few years.  You can be a naive teenager asking for his autograph on the set of Batman in 1968.

"Um...in 1968 I was twelve.  But ok, I like Daddies.  We can go out, and if something happens, I'll tweak it a little into a celebrity dating story."


I arranged for us to have lunch at the Greenery, an al fresco restaurant on Santa Monica Boulevard.

Cesar was taller than me, white haired, and heavily tanned, an affluent retiree wearing a pink shirt unbuttoned a few buttons, and white shorts that displayed a considerable old-guy bulge.

Lane and I prepped by renting two of Cesar's old movies, Lost Continent (1951) and The Castillian (1964), assuming that he wouldn't want to talk about Batman.  But he said the Joker was his favorite role.

"I had a blast!  I played the Joker 20 times, and every time I got to 'accidentally' fondle Adam West (Batman) and Burt Ward (Robin).  Sometimes more than that.  Not that they minded -- we all became good friends.  I think Burt looked up to me as a role model."

After dinner we drove back to Cesar's apartment in Brentwood, on the other side of UCLA.  It didn't look like an old person's apartment -- all black leather and ultra-modern chrome.  He must have remodeled (that's why he sold the loveseat, I concluded).

Cesar sat between us on the couch with glasses of lemonade and, getting a little frisky, told us about the guys he had been with:

A long-term relationship with Tyrone Power.  Dating Cary Grant.  Hookups with Walter Pidgeon, Tony Perkins, and William Holden.

"Usually I went down on them.  That was the main thing gay guys did in those days.  And the guys receiving, they didn't think of themselves as gay.  It was just a friendly gesture.  Desi told me, 'Come on, Cesar, let's just get it over with, and then we can be friends."

"Desi Arnaz?"  I asked.  "Junior or Senior?"

Desi Arnaz (1917-1986) was the star of I Love Lucy in the 1950s.  His son, Desi Arnaz Jr. (1953-) was a former teen idol, with a band and some movie roles.

Cesar grinned.  "Why, both of them, of course."

This was so interesting that I was forgetting to cruise.  Then I saw Lane's hand rubbing against Cesar's bare thigh.  Cesar smiled and moved it to his crotch.

"So, anyone recent?" Lane asked.

"Tony Randall.  Raymond Burr.  And..."

Suddenly the doorbell rang.  Cesar brushed Lane away and stood, tenting, to ring in...Burt Ward!

He was in his 40s, chubby and squinty, but still recognizable as Robin the Boy Wonder from the Batman series.  Later we found out that he was still acting, appearing mostly in low-budget sexploitation movies like Cyber Chic and Beach Babes from Beyond. 

"Hey, I just wanted to return the book," Burt said, staring at us with surprise.  "I see you're busy."

"Not at all," Cesar said.  "Just entertaining some friends.  Care for some lemonade?"

He stared at the two of us for a long moment, as if trying to figure out what was going on. Then it dawned on him. ."Oh...thanks, but I can't stay.  Nice meeting you, though."  He vanished.

"I have to apologize for Burt," Cesar said, returning to his place between us.  "He's very nice, really, but not really comfortable with my lifestyle."

"But you've been with him?"  Lane asked.

"Just once."

"How big is he?  I mean, he had a huge bulge on the show.  I can't believe it got past the censors."

"He's quite the Boy Wonder. Kielbasa+."

"I can do better than that,"  Lane said, unzipping and pulling it out (I'm not allowed to reveal his size).

Cesar got on his knees and went down on him.

Soon they were on the floor in the 69 position.  Cesar had a Bratwurst+, very thick.

I didn't participate -- I wanted this to be Lane's story, not mine.

Lane finished very quickly -- Cesar brought sixty years of experience to the task.  But Cesar took awhile.  Finally Lane tired of using his mouth and switched to his hand.

When he finished, Cesar said "Thanks" rather brusquely and pulled his shorts back on. "More lemonade, anyone?  I always drink lemonade or something acidic after sex.  It kills the germs."

When Lane told the story later, he started with "I'm going to tell you about my date with Batman, Robin, and the Joker," even though Burt Ward was just there for a moment, and Adam West, not at all.

As if Cesar Romero wasn't impressive enough.

See also: Batman and Robin; The Satyr's Hookup with Sylvester Stallone.

Cesar Hooks Up with the Entire Male Cast of "I Love Lucy"

Brentwood, California, April 1991

I'm not exactly friends with Cesar Romero, the 85-year old Latin hearthrob who played The Cisco Kid in the 1940s and the Joker on Batman in the 1960s.  In West Hollywood, your friends were generally your ex-boyfriends and their current boyfriends, and Cesar and I have never dated, never even tricked (although I've watched him and Lane go at it).

But after my Biblical Hebrew class at UCLA, I like going over to visit him in his modern glass-and-leather apartment in Brentwood, to drink lemonade, get flirted with, and hear stories about hookups with the stars of Golden Age Hollywood.  Today he promised to tell me about the time he hooked up with the entire male cast of I Love Lucy (1951-57).

The vintage sitcom was before my time, but I've seen lots of episodes in syndication.  I love "Job Switching," where Lucy and Ethel (Lucille Ball, Vivian Vance) get jobs on an assembly line at a candy factory, with disastrous results.  And "Lucy Does a TV Commercial," where Lucy gradually gets drunk while selling the vitamin tonic Vitameatavegimen.

Lucy and Ethel were the stars.  The husbands, Ricky and Fred (Desi Arnaz, William Frawley) were mostly there to say "no, you can't have a new dress" and do slow burns after a catastrophe.  

But Desi was impossibly cute, and I recalled a scattering of other hot actors.  I wonder which Cesar has been with.

"Where to begin..." Cesar says.  "I've gone down on so many of the cast members.  Not the women, of course.  But..."

"Begin with Desi," I tell him.  "He was the hottest."

"And the biggest," Cesar adds with a wink.

Hollywood, April 1940

Cesar Romero was 33 years old, and already an established actor.  Never a contract player, he worked for various studios, playing heavies, gangsters, handsome leading men, and sundry adventurers, most recently the sardonic cowboy hero The Cisco Kid.

But what made him the most well-known face in Hollywood was his social life.  He was out every night, to movie premieres, gallery openings, charity events, nightclubs.  He practically lived at the Coconut Grove.  He was always seen on the arm of an attractive lady, usually an up-and-coming starlet; but he was a complete gentleman, seeing the lady to her front door with nothing more intimate than a kiss on the cheek.  There was no hint of scandal about him.

Last fall he dated Lucille Ball, the glamorous contract player for RKO.  When she asked, "Why don't you ever make a pass at me?", he replied, "Nothing personal.  It's just that I'm queer."

She was the first person he ever told.   After that they became close friends and confidants, sharing notes on eligible and not-so eligible men.

It was Lucy who told him about Desi Arnaz, a 23-year old singer and dancer who had come to Hollywood to play Manuelito in Too Many Girls.

"He's Cuban, like you!" she exclaimed.  "And a dancer!  And he's dreamy besides!  You're sure to get along fabulously."

"Are you sure he's that way?" Cesar asked.

"Sure as shooting, Jackson!  He didn't even try to make love to me. [Make love is the old term for flirting.]  If that's not proof, I don't know what is!"

So Cesar took the charismatic young dancer to the Coconut Grove.  Where he couldn't stop talking about Lucy.

Ok, normal [the 1940s term for "straight"].  Just shy.

Still, they became friends.  When Desi started seeing Lucy, they often double-dated with Cesar and whatever beard the studio provided.

It didn't take long for Desi to figure "it" out:

"Mira!"  he said one night, while the girls were powdering their noses.  "You don't have to hide.  I know you're a maricon!"

Cesar started to protest.  "Did Lucy say..."

"I know from how you look at me.  I've seen that look before."

"Sorry..."

"Me resbala, buddy! I know you can't help it.  But you should know, I like girls, not boys.  I can't be your chaval."

After that Cesar became more open, telling Desi about his trysts with this or that guy, Hollywood stars and others, about the parties he went to at the USO.

And maybe more aggressive at cruising him, since one night Desi said "Bueno, let's do it.  We'll get it over with, and then we can be friends.  But just this one time, ok?  I like girls, not boys."

They went back to Cesar's house in Beverly Hills, went into the bedroom, and Desi unzipped.

"How big was he?" I asked.

"One of the biggest.  A footlong!  I could barely get my mouth around the head.  And he was quick, too.  A few thrusts, and he was spurting down my throat.  Huge load!"

One time turned out to be a regular thing.  Once a week or so, they would go out to dinner, then back to Cesar's house.  No reciprocation, no kissing, just a blow job, "a friendly gesture between friends."

In November 1940, Lucy and Desi married.

Cesar heard all about their tumultuous relationship.  Desi liked women -- and men -- too much.  He was devoted to Lucy, yet he always seemed to have one or two affairs going on the side, plus innumerable hookups.

Eventually, in one of his many failed attempts to stay faithful, Desi put an end to the "friendly gestures."

Brentwood, California, April 1991

I'm a bit disappointed.  I've already heard a lot about Desi Arnaz's bisexuality, and a "double date" doesn't really count as "hooking up with the entire cast of I Love Lucy."  

"What about the other male stars?" I ask.  "William Frawley, who played Fred Mertz?"

"No," Cesar admits. "Even when I first met him, back in 1936, he was bald.  Ugh!"

I can't think of anyone else offhand, but I came prepared.  I pull out my Complete Guide to Prime Time TV Shows, and ask Cesar about his hookups with the rest of the actors, directors, and miscellaneous cast members.

Director William Asher?  No.

Head writer Bob Carroll, Jr?  No.

Richard Keith, who played Lucy and Ricky's infant son, but would now be in his 40s? No.

Ok, there are lots more in the cast list.  I go through them, one by one.

Cesar has gone down on Bennett Green, who played various bit parts in 21 episodes, and Marco Rizo, the music director.  And that's it.

"Three isn't bad," Cesar says.  "Besides, Desi and I were close friends for fifty years, And in the end, isn't friendship more important than any number of cocks?"

Of course, but I came here to learn about cocks..  "Ok, let's go on to your hookup with Desi's son, Desi Arnaz Jr."

See also: Lane's Date with Batman, Robin, and the Joker; I Love Lucy; Cesar's Three Way with the Sons of Desi Arnaz and Dean Martin

Ricky Nelson and Kent McCord at an All-Male Party

When I was in eighth grade, Martin Milner and Kent McCord, stars of the cop show Adam-12, spoke at the high school, and for some reason my my boyfriend Dan and I were in the audience.

Their presentation was lame: stay in school, study hard, don't use drugs, don't grow your hair long, don't protest the war.  But I didn't care: I had never seen a celebrity close-up before, and Kent McCord was super-cute (Martin was in his 40s, too old).  I was star-struck.

  I got an autographed picture ("To Boomer -- stay in school"), handshakes from them both, and fodder for a lot of erotic fantasies.

My favorite involved getting Officer Reed (McCord) to Africa somehow, where he and Bomba the Jungle Boy were captured by the bad guys and tied back to back.

Naked, of course.

I never heard any gay dating or hookup stories about either Milner or McCord during my years in West Hollywood, but as stars of a show long off the air, they may not have been famous enough -- West Hollywood dating stories were all about impressing your friends with the biggest star possible.

But I recently got a hint of a Kent McCord hookup from Zack, in a story that was really about Ricky Nelson.  I interrogated him for as many details as he could remember, and added some details and conversations:

Hollywood, Spring 1969

Born in 1942, Kent McWhiter grew up in Baldwin Park, California, and attended Citrus Junior College and the University of Utah.  In February 1961, he met Ricky Nelson at a football game, and the two became fast friends.

With Ricky's help, he appeared in 28 episodes of Ozzie and Harriet.  Afterwards he landed a contract with Universal, adopted a new "macho" name, "Kent McCord," and pursued a successful show biz career.  He and Rick stayed friends throughout their lives.

But there was part of Rick's life that he never shared with the conservative, ultra-macho family man.

One day in 1969, Kent told Ricky, "Marty [Adam-12 co-star Martin Milner] is cool and all, but I just found out something crazy about him.  He told me he digs dudes!  I mean, he's married. How can you...."

Ricky decided that it was time to come clean about his secret life.  "Some dudes dig chicks and dudes both," he said with a smile. "If that's your scene, and if your old lady's cool with it, who are we to judge?  Besides, dudes are better at giving head.  They know what a man likes."

Kent stared for a moment, then said "That's not the craziest part.  He told me that he's screwed with both of his costars on Route 66, George Maharis and Glenn Corbett, and Chuck Connors.  The biggest, toughest, most masculine guys in Hollywood!"

"I'd like to have been at that party, man!  Getting a blow job from a muscle dude -- or giving one -- that's the living end!"

"You...you're that way, too? But we've been friends for years.  You saw me naked, and you never tried anything."

Ricky shrugged.  "I didn't think that was your bag, man.  But hey, if Milner invites you to any of those swinging muscle man parties, bring me along!  My dick could use a few muscle man mouths."

Kent looked away.  "No way, man," he said softly.  "I don't like muscle dudes...um...I mean dudes of any sort...I'm happily married. I'm a father....."

"Of course."  Ricky put a hand on his shoulder.  "I never said you had to like dudes to be my friend."

But a few weeks later, Kent called.  "It's on!  A 'swinging party' at a house in the Hollywood Hills.  Marty is going, and he promised that George Maharis will be there."

"Not a bad choice for your first taste of the forbidden fruit.  Can I come, too?  I can't pass up an opportunity to go down on George Maharis!"

"Sure.  But I'm just going to see what it's about.  I don't want to do anything.  Well, maybe get a blow job from a dude."  He paused.  "Do they really do it better?"

It was an all-male party like many Ricky had been to before, mostly celebrities and hustlers. Some of the hustlers were naked. You socialized around the pool and in the game room, and there was a darkened lounge for making out...and maybe other things, if you were brave.

They got beers and mingled.  Kent was awestricken by the number of recognizable faces: Latin lover Cesar Romero; Batman Adam West; George Takei of Star Trek; Bob Ellis, who Ricky pointed out as his ex-boyfriend.  Eventually they separated so guys wouldn't think they were a couple.

Ricky was cruising a cute young blond named Donnie, who was working on the Saturday morning kid show H.R. Pufnstuf and had a lot to say about young star Jack Wild, when he saw Kent headed toward the dark room.

"This will be good," he said.  "My buddy is about to get his first man-on-man blow job!  Let's watch, shall we?"

They waited a few minutes for Kent to get...um...comfortable, then went to the dark room.  Two or three couples kissing.  A guy smoking pot and playing with himself.  Tab Hunter and his trick masturbating each other.  And...in a corner...Bob Ellis getting a blow job.  He saw Ricky and Donnie and nodded, offering to "share."

Kent must have been heading to the bathroom instead -- the dark room was a little too advanced for a guy's first time.  But this was just as good.  "Care to share my ex-boyfriend's trick?" he asked, putting his arm around Donnie and guiding him over.

He unzipped Donnie -- very nice, a long, thin Bratwurst -- masturbated him for a moment -- then felt for the bottom's face and pushed it over.  Then he unzipped himself.  Soon the bottom was going down on both of them simultaneously while they kissed, leaving Bob to masturbate alone.

"Hey, I said share, not ignore," he whispered savagely.

"Sorry," the bottom whispered, and turned his attention back to Bob.

Never one to pass up a cock, Ricky fell to his knees and started going down on Donnie.  Only then did he notice -- his fellow bottom was Kent McCord.

Embarrassed, Ricky stood abruptly and walked away, leaving Kent to go down on Donnie and Bob at the same time.  He went out to the main party, socialized, cruised, gave his phone number to a Cute Young Thing, and finally retrieved Kent so they could leave.

"How was your first man-on-man blow job?"  he asked.

"Oh, I was too nervous to do anything," Kent said.  "But it was a lot of fun watching."

Was Zack Telling the Truth?

This is a third-hand story, from Donnie to Drake to Zack, and it was a dark room.  It's possible that Kent McCord was at the party, but the guy on his knees was someone else. After all, he's been married for fifty years, he's highly conservative, and I've heard no other gay rumors about him.

But who knows?  Maybe on a warm Hollywood night a generation ago, the man who would fill my adolescent fantasies found himself in a dark room, surrounded by the sight, sound, and smell of the masculine.

See also:  Ricky Nelson Steals Drake's Boyfriend; Donnie's Gay Sex Party with Jack Wild