My ex-boyfriend Fred's boyfriend Matt was loud and proud, out to everybody and everything.
"Hi, I'm gay, and I'd like to order a large pizza."
"Hi, I'm gay. What time will the flight from Kansas City be arriving?"
Fred didn't care for gay pride events, but Matt dragged him to Christopher Street West in L.A. every year, and sometimes to the parades in San Francisco and San Diego too. "Mon chevalier blanc, it will be fabulous!" he promised. "And, as any queen knows, they come with nonstop cruising. Finding a Cute Young Thing to share my butt and our bed will make it all glorioski, n'est pas?"
In 1989 they went to the San Diego gay pride parade, and afterwards to a "hair cutting" exposition at the Eagle. One of the guys in the chair was a Cute Young Thing named Stewie (this was before Family Guy co-opted the name): early 20s, tall, slim, very tanned, with brown curly hair, a round open face, pinprick nipples, and an average-sized cock, cut. Plus he came from a wealthy family and attended a private school, just like Matt. They immediately hit it off, and were so busy talking that they almost forgot to cruise.
They went back to Stewie's apartment, where Fred topped him while he went down on Matt. Then Stewie topped Matt -- versatile, not like those West Hollywood queens who were only into oral. And kissing and cuddling afterwards! Merveilleux! Matt was almost in love.
Lying in bed enfolded in each other's arms while Fred dozed, they shared coming out stories. Stewie had known since he was in high school, but he hadn't told anyone in his family: "Mom might be ok with it, but Dad's old school. He was in Hollywood in the 1940s, when being gay was the worst thing in the world."
"Has he been in anything I may have seen?" Matt asked. "I'm quite the movie buff -- the silver screen was my only escape from the dreariness of the Midwest. Let me guess -- your papa is Marlon Brando?"
Stewie smiled and began kissing Matt's chest. "He was in some jungle movies. I guess they were popular back in the day."
"Your papa was Tarzan, Lord of the Apes?"
"Close. He played Tarzan's son, a kid named Boy. I know, lame, right? No wonder he doesn't like to talk about his acting days. How would you like it if...old guys grabbed you at the Target...and said 'Can I have your autograph, Boy?"" He moved down Matt's belly to his crotch and began to give him a blow job.
Later Matt checked a movie reference book and discovered that Stewie's father was Johnny Sheffield, "Boy" in 8 Tarzan movies (1937-1946) and "Bomba" in 12 movies (1948-1956). He had never heard of him.
"Mon petit etalon, it makes no difference if your dear papa is Jerry Falwell -- you must come out to him. It is the only way to be free of the monsters of our childhood. And the sooner the better. How about tomorrow? Fred and I can come along for moral support."
"Tomorrow's not good," Stewie murmured, licking Matt's shaft. "Mom might be ok with it, but she's out of town. Dad's all by himself, and he'll kick me out of the house, seriously."
"You don't live in his house, so voila! Problem solved!" Matt exclaimed, pulling Stewie's head away and drawing him in for a kiss. "Tomorrow you and I will go to Papa and come out, ok?" He nudged Fred. "Réveillez-tu, mon etalon -- tomorrow we have a date with Tarzan!"
Stewie hesitated, but Matt could be very persistent, particularly when his aroused penis was in your face, so finally he agreed.
Fred had to get back to San Bernardino, but Stewie invited Matt to stay with him for a couple of days. In the morning he called his father and got an invitation to dinner that night.
Fortunately, Stewie lived in the heart of Hillcrest, San Diego's gay neighborhood, so while he was at work, Matt had a marvelous time wandering among the shops and boutiques and bars. He had lunch at a quaint little Japanese bistro, bought himself a new outfit, and worked out in the gay gym/bathhouse. Stewie got home at 6, with just enough time to shower, change clothes, and drive them to a Tudor-style house near Hilltop Park in the suburb of Chula Vista.
Stewie parked the car, honked, and waited for his Dad to restrain the dogs so they wouldn't get out. "I don't think I can do this," he said, literally trembling. "Can we just say that you're dating my ex-girlfriend?"
"Mais non!" Matt said. "Seize the day, mon petit etalon! I guarantee you that dear Papa Falwell will know before dessert!"
John Sheffield was in his fifties, tall and rather portly, with Stewie's round open face, graying hair, and glasses. He offered them both handshakes, then invited them into the back yard, where he was grilling steaks.
"All I can cook is steak and burgers on the grill -- put me in front of a range, and I'm all thumbs," he said, drawing a steak from its marinade and placing it on the grill with a smoky flourish. "I'll bet you're a great cook, Matt. In six months you'll have him fattened up into a blimp!"
"Well, I don't like to brag, but one bite of my Poulet Célestine and you'll be giving me the deed to the ancestral castle."
"Great, then give me a hand, won't you, and bring out the salad? The kitchen is through that door, then turn right."
"I'll show you the way!" Stewie exclaimed, not wanting to be alone with his dad.
When they returned, John said "I've been wondering when you would bring one of your friends around. Patty and I always thought they would be a great bunch of guys. So, Matt, are you and Stewie...um...."
Dad knows already! Matt thought "No, Monsieur Sheffield, we only met yesterday."
"Where did you meet" John asked. "There was a lot going on in San Diego, a lot of cultural events. Parades, festivals."
"At...um...church," Stewie exclaimed.
"I came down from West Hollywood especially for...um...church," Matt added, although he actually lived in San Bernardino. Come on, Stewie, your Dad knows. He wants you to say something!
"West Hollywood! Now there's a great town. So much to do for guys like you and Stewie to do. I'll bet you could go out every night for a month, and not go to the same place twice." He brought a steak to a plate. "Like it rare, I hope?"
"Still mooing, monsier papa. Bien sur, there is a lot of partying in West Hollywood, but eventually one longs to settle down with that one special man..."
"Or woman," Stewie added frantically. "Depending on who you...who you are, a man or a woman yourself..."
"And who you fall in love with," John added. "Let me tell you guys a story about me and Johnny Weissmuller, who played my Dad at RKO." [In John's version it was a kiss, not a blow job]
They finished dinner, watched an old movie, and left.
"Wow, I never knew Dad was bisexual!" Stewie said on the way home. He nudged Matt. "Hey, sorry I didn't come out. I just couldn't get the nerve. He thinks of me as this raging heterosexual ladies' man."
"Bien sur," Matt said dryly.
This isn't really a celebrity hookup story, so Matt never thought of telling it at a party. He and Stewie stayed friends -- I may even have met him -- but I never knew that his father was Johnny Sheffield, who filled so many of my adolescent fantasies.
It's probably for the best. Who wants to win "10 minutes alone in the bedroom" with someone at a party, and have him spend the whole time gushing "Your Dad was so hot!"
By the way, I have found no external sources attesting that Stewart is gay.
Fred didn't care for gay pride events, but Matt dragged him to Christopher Street West in L.A. every year, and sometimes to the parades in San Francisco and San Diego too. "Mon chevalier blanc, it will be fabulous!" he promised. "And, as any queen knows, they come with nonstop cruising. Finding a Cute Young Thing to share my butt and our bed will make it all glorioski, n'est pas?"
In 1989 they went to the San Diego gay pride parade, and afterwards to a "hair cutting" exposition at the Eagle. One of the guys in the chair was a Cute Young Thing named Stewie (this was before Family Guy co-opted the name): early 20s, tall, slim, very tanned, with brown curly hair, a round open face, pinprick nipples, and an average-sized cock, cut. Plus he came from a wealthy family and attended a private school, just like Matt. They immediately hit it off, and were so busy talking that they almost forgot to cruise.
Lying in bed enfolded in each other's arms while Fred dozed, they shared coming out stories. Stewie had known since he was in high school, but he hadn't told anyone in his family: "Mom might be ok with it, but Dad's old school. He was in Hollywood in the 1940s, when being gay was the worst thing in the world."
"Has he been in anything I may have seen?" Matt asked. "I'm quite the movie buff -- the silver screen was my only escape from the dreariness of the Midwest. Let me guess -- your papa is Marlon Brando?"
Stewie smiled and began kissing Matt's chest. "He was in some jungle movies. I guess they were popular back in the day."
"Your papa was Tarzan, Lord of the Apes?"
"Close. He played Tarzan's son, a kid named Boy. I know, lame, right? No wonder he doesn't like to talk about his acting days. How would you like it if...old guys grabbed you at the Target...and said 'Can I have your autograph, Boy?"" He moved down Matt's belly to his crotch and began to give him a blow job.
"Mon petit etalon, it makes no difference if your dear papa is Jerry Falwell -- you must come out to him. It is the only way to be free of the monsters of our childhood. And the sooner the better. How about tomorrow? Fred and I can come along for moral support."
"Tomorrow's not good," Stewie murmured, licking Matt's shaft. "Mom might be ok with it, but she's out of town. Dad's all by himself, and he'll kick me out of the house, seriously."
"You don't live in his house, so voila! Problem solved!" Matt exclaimed, pulling Stewie's head away and drawing him in for a kiss. "Tomorrow you and I will go to Papa and come out, ok?" He nudged Fred. "Réveillez-tu, mon etalon -- tomorrow we have a date with Tarzan!"Stewie hesitated, but Matt could be very persistent, particularly when his aroused penis was in your face, so finally he agreed.
Fred had to get back to San Bernardino, but Stewie invited Matt to stay with him for a couple of days. In the morning he called his father and got an invitation to dinner that night.
Fortunately, Stewie lived in the heart of Hillcrest, San Diego's gay neighborhood, so while he was at work, Matt had a marvelous time wandering among the shops and boutiques and bars. He had lunch at a quaint little Japanese bistro, bought himself a new outfit, and worked out in the gay gym/bathhouse. Stewie got home at 6, with just enough time to shower, change clothes, and drive them to a Tudor-style house near Hilltop Park in the suburb of Chula Vista.
Stewie parked the car, honked, and waited for his Dad to restrain the dogs so they wouldn't get out. "I don't think I can do this," he said, literally trembling. "Can we just say that you're dating my ex-girlfriend?"
"Mais non!" Matt said. "Seize the day, mon petit etalon! I guarantee you that dear Papa Falwell will know before dessert!"
"All I can cook is steak and burgers on the grill -- put me in front of a range, and I'm all thumbs," he said, drawing a steak from its marinade and placing it on the grill with a smoky flourish. "I'll bet you're a great cook, Matt. In six months you'll have him fattened up into a blimp!"
"Well, I don't like to brag, but one bite of my Poulet Célestine and you'll be giving me the deed to the ancestral castle."
"Great, then give me a hand, won't you, and bring out the salad? The kitchen is through that door, then turn right."
"I'll show you the way!" Stewie exclaimed, not wanting to be alone with his dad.
When they returned, John said "I've been wondering when you would bring one of your friends around. Patty and I always thought they would be a great bunch of guys. So, Matt, are you and Stewie...um...."
Dad knows already! Matt thought "No, Monsieur Sheffield, we only met yesterday."
"Where did you meet" John asked. "There was a lot going on in San Diego, a lot of cultural events. Parades, festivals."
"At...um...church," Stewie exclaimed.
"I came down from West Hollywood especially for...um...church," Matt added, although he actually lived in San Bernardino. Come on, Stewie, your Dad knows. He wants you to say something!
"West Hollywood! Now there's a great town. So much to do for guys like you and Stewie to do. I'll bet you could go out every night for a month, and not go to the same place twice." He brought a steak to a plate. "Like it rare, I hope?"
"Still mooing, monsier papa. Bien sur, there is a lot of partying in West Hollywood, but eventually one longs to settle down with that one special man..."
"Or woman," Stewie added frantically. "Depending on who you...who you are, a man or a woman yourself..."
"And who you fall in love with," John added. "Let me tell you guys a story about me and Johnny Weissmuller, who played my Dad at RKO." [In John's version it was a kiss, not a blow job]
They finished dinner, watched an old movie, and left.
"Bien sur," Matt said dryly.
This isn't really a celebrity hookup story, so Matt never thought of telling it at a party. He and Stewie stayed friends -- I may even have met him -- but I never knew that his father was Johnny Sheffield, who filled so many of my adolescent fantasies.
It's probably for the best. Who wants to win "10 minutes alone in the bedroom" with someone at a party, and have him spend the whole time gushing "Your Dad was so hot!"
By the way, I have found no external sources attesting that Stewart is gay.
Who knows? It may have been just a kiss. But even I can't believe someone didn't recognize Boy as Tarzan's son: MGM's adaptation was for the longest time THE Tarzan adaptation, and even more well-known than the dime novels. (In fact, Tarzan is why George RR Martin hates fan fiction: As GRRM tells it, the Burroughs estate had so much trouble regaining the rights to the franchise.)
ReplyDeleteOC DO NOT STEAL! adopted sons were a common trope for Tarzan, just like Captain Video had his cadets, Batman had Robin, and sheriffs had their deputies. I'm sure it says something about many a Hollywood screenwriter's relationship with his father, but I'll leave the rest of the comments section to speculate and psychoanalyze.
But like I said, it could've been just a kiss, especially with a boy you watched grow up.
Whatever the case, that had to be a shock. If my son comes out to me, I'll simply say "You know, son, they don't know what makes a man gay or bi. Some say it's genetic." (Then show a few photos of myself with high school friends I'd had...some experiences with.)
I think Matt came in on the end of a long string of conversations where John encouraged his son to come out, and telling the Johnny Weissmuller kiss story was his latest attempt.
DeleteThe superhero teen sidekick trope was ostensibly to give kids in the audience someone to relate to without saddling the superhero with a wife (even Tarzan and Jane weren't married in the movies). Also, you don't want to invite your own son into deadly danger, but a sidekick, ok
DeleteStewart Cassan, surely?
ReplyDeleteJohnny's last name was Sheffield, so I think it was Stewart Sheffield
DeleteJohnny's full name was John Sheffield Cassan. (The Cassans were a fairly grand Anglo-Irish ascendancy family, and Johnny's English-born father Reg was very proud of the connection.) The family in San Diego today use Cassan. But the story's hot, whatever you call the guy!
DeleteWhat's interesting is that year, 1948. That was the year the Supreme Court declared studios owning theaters was a monopoly, so Poverty Row studios heard they had Boy all grown up and that's how you have Bomba, even if the jungle genre itself was getting a bit long in the tooth.
ReplyDelete