Sunday, July 16, 2017

Alan's Friend Has Sex on the Beach with Tom Selleck

You have celebrity hookup stories about Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark-Paul Goesselaer, Tony Curtis, even Groucho Marx.  Why not one about Tom Selleck, one of the beefcake icons of the 1980s?

He certainly seems like a good possibility. Born in 1945 in Detroit, Selleck began his career as a model, and moved into acting while attending the University of Southern California.  He wandered around the studios for several years, doing guest spots as pretty boys and hunks -- you can see him nude in Coma (1980).

 His big break came when he passed up the role of Indiana Jones for Magnum, P.I. (1980-1988), about a sardonic private detective.  Magnum lives in Hawaii on his rich friend's estate (in his absence), and has carte blanche to use all of his fancy toys (apparently they are very close).

Magnum has a couple of scoobies (Roger E. Mosley, Larry Manetti), and butts heads with the officious, gay-coded but heterosexual Higgins (John Hillerman), who comes with the estate.

I never saw it, but I heard a lot about Tom Selleck.  His feminine mannerisms, short-short pants, hairy chest, and Castro Clone moustache set off everyone's gaydar, making everyone believe that he was "one of us."

In spite of his two marriages (to Jacqueline Ray from 1971 to 1982, and to Jillie Mack from 1987 to the present).

In spite of (or maybe because of) his 1991 lawsuit against a tabloid for printing a story alleging that he was gay.  He wanted damages of $20 million -- that's either extreme homophobia, or an extreme attempt to stay in the closet.

In spite of his interview in The Advocate in 1997, in which he protests that he is straight, and yells that "It's not anti-gay to say that you aren't gay."

Um..gee, Tom, when you say it so vociferously, and so expensively, it kind of is.

I heard a lot of Tom Selleck hookup stories in the 1980s.

Here's an example, from Sam, one of Alan's friends.

Two summers ago (1985), just after Gay Pride, I was in Hawaii on vacation with my ex, and of course we had to go cruising on the gay beach, hoping for some surfer hunks.  Instead we saw Tom Selleck, Mr. Magnum P.I. himself, coming out of the surf.  We cruised him; he cruised back.  He walked toward a secluded spot in the rocks.  We followed.  When we got there, he had his trucks off -- he was already aroused, and working on it.  Gigantic 9", thick around like a beer can.  

Well, I dropped to my knees and started working on it, while my ex fondled Tom's butt.  He bent over, so I had Tom's hairy, moist chest over me, his shaved crotch in my face.  My ex pulled a condom from his fanny pack -- one of the pre-lubed kind -- rolled it over his 8", and pushed it into Tom.  He grimaced a little but didn't say anything.  As my ex slid in and out, Tom spurted down my throat.  I stood up and tried to get him to go down on me, but he refused. 

After my ex finished, he wiped off on Tom's butt and put his shorts back on.  We tried to kiss Tom, but he refused.  He just said "Thanks" and ran off into the surf.

There are four problems with this anecdote, and others like it:

1. No detail.  It's sex only.  There's no romance or excitement, nothing to make it interesting, to turn an incident into a story.

2. It can't be verified.  There's a year, but no other details.  Alan's friend didn't say which beach it was, what it looked like, what day of the week, no way to determine if the incident actually happened or was a fantasy.

3. The 9-inch penis.  As many short-short photos can attest, Tom is not well hung.

4. The subject can't be reliably identified.  The guy never said or did anything that implied that he was Tom Selleck, and half the guys in gay neighborhoods in the 1980s had a hairy chest and a Castro Clone moustache. Is this Tom Selleck, Gregory Harrison, or gay porn star Al Parker?

Most likely Alan's friend had sex on the beach with an anonymous guy, and since it was Hawaii, extrapolated the rest.  Most likely Tom Selleck is...gulp...hetero.

But then, why would a hetero sport the stereotypic Castro clone look for so many years, if he didn't expect people to mistake him for gay...a lot?

See also: Detective Adventurers of the 1980s

1 comment:

  1. I never heard any dating or hookup stories about John Hillerman, although everyone assumed that he was gay.