Monday, October 24, 2016

The Preacher Pops a Boner

Kankakee, Illinois, October 1974

When I was growing up in the Nazarene Church, we spent a lot of time at Olivet, our college on the prairie of eastern Illinois.  The church wanted to make sure that we went there after high school instead of some secular university where we would be taught liberalism, atheism, and evil-lution.

So there were ball games and special concerts, and beginning in ninth grade, an annual Olivet Weekend every fall, with a party, a nature hike, a church service, classroom visits, and the opportunity to spend the night in a real college dormitory.

It was actually sleeping bags on the floor of the lounge in the freshman men's dorm, but still, it was fun to be surrounded by cute college men!

In ninth grade, our host was David, a senior religion major (and baseball player) who told us how he was hoping to get a church near his home town, and his girlfriend Ruth, who mostly bragged about how she had scored the "handsomest guy on campus."




Only about half of the boys on campus wanted to become preachers, but almost all of the girls wanted to become preacher's wives, leading to some hefty competition.

On the Saturday night of our visit, David took us to a basketball game, and then to the Student Union for hamburgers.

The Red Room, Olivet's student restaurant, was packed with other kids and their escorts, so he took us to a nearby lounge: six couches and about a dozen chairs, most full, but one empty right next to the monitor's desk.  It looked into a little alcove with a yellow couch, where two college couples were kissing.

"Hey, what's that -- a kissing booth?" I asked.

"Kissing corner!"  David said with a grin.  "The only couch the monitor can't see.  Boy, I've had some good times there!"

He told us that at Olivet, boy-girl relations were strictly regulated.  You couldn't set foot in each other's dorms, and in common areas, kissing was  forbidden.  They had monitors watching all the lounges, but that couch was hidden from the monitor's view, and so very popular.

"You have to take a number to get it," David said.  "But once you're there, you can do what you want.  Anyway, I'm going to park you guys here, so we don't lose our place.  Back in a while with our burgers.

We sat down facing the kissing couples.  Kissing girls -- gross!  But I was interested in one of the guys -- cute, dark haired, broad shoulders, handsome preacher's face.  He leaned toward his girlfriend, put his arm around her, and they started kissing.

He had a sizeable bulge in his pants.

And he began to rise.

And rise.

And rise.


I knew they got bigger, turned into baseball bats at random moments, but I had never seen someone else's become a baseball bat before.  And in public, in front of his girlfriend, in front of everybody!  

I sat mesmerized.  The other boys started to giggle and whisper.

"Look, he's popping a boner!" someone said.

I head that term before.  It meant something embarrassing.

"You guys having fun?"  David was back with a tray of hamburgers and cokes.  He turned to see what we were looking at, and grimaced.  "Hey, Rick!" he yelled.  "Your barn door's open!"

The college guy broke the embrace and put his hand over the "boner," covering it.  "Hi, David!" he called.  "Are these the new recruits?"

"Guys, say hello to Rick Stanley from my homiletics class, and his girlfriend Sue."

I went over and shook Rick's thick, meaty hand, the same one that a moment ago had been covering his boner, then returned, grinning, to where David was passing out our hamburgers.

"Rick's in my homiletics class," David said.  "Next year this time, we'll both be preachers."

Rick started kissing his girlfriend again.  I watched for the bulge to rise.

It did.

Preachers had penises -- it was bizarre and strangely excited to think about.  I imagined him as Brother Rick, preaching a screaming, Bible-pounding sermon in a brown business suit, then returning to the parsonage, where Brother David was waiting.  And the two of them kissing.  And their bulges rising....

After that I paid careful attention in church.  Maybe the preacher would pop a boner in the middle of his rant!

See also: Dad Explains the Facts of Life.; Arabic and Class Rings; and Boys with Baseball Bats in my Attic Sanctuary

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