Saturday, September 21st, 2002
A Saturday morning during my second year in Florida. We're all sitting at breakfast, when my housemate Barney abruptly announces that he plans to go to a bathhouse.
Yuri and I hide behind cereal boxes to hide our shock. Barney is a former bodybuilder who runs a mostly-gay gym. He lives a scrupulously healthy lifestyle: low-fat diet, daily exercise, meditation, herbal supplements. And, after he lost his partner to AIDS three years ago, no hookups.
He dates, of course, and occasionally he invites us into his bed to "share," but he would never dream of casual sex.
"Are you ok?" Yuri asks. "I don't think you liked bathhouses."
"Well, I haven't been to one for ages. But think about it -- I'm 61 years old, I have Cute Young Things clamoring to get into my bed all the time, but all the guys my age are taken or not interested. I figure the bathhouse is my best place to find someone my age.
"You know it's mostly for anonymous sex, right?" I say, dubious.
"But you often make a date with the guy afterwards. At least, you did in my day."
"Well...do you want us to go with you, show you the ropes?"
He chuckles and turns back to his egg white omelet. "I was going to bathhouses while you were still in diapers. I think I can handle myself."
We advise him that the bathhouse would have a lot of older guys in the mid-afternoon or early evening, so he goes about 5:00 pm, after pumping up at the gym. I can't wait around to hear the details -- I have a date with a guy in Boca Raton.
Saturday evening
When I return from my date, Barney is already in bed. I peer through the open bedroom door, curious. Nope -- he's alone.
Sunday morning
"So, how did it go?" I ask over breakfast.
"Some sex, some prospects," he says with a sly grin. "Nobody spectacular. I'm going to try again this afternoon."
On Sunday afternoon, I have to work at the gym, and Yuri goes swimming with Wade the Beach Boy, my ex-boyfriend.
After we broke up, Wade and Yuri stayed friends, so he hangs around the house a lot, and sometimes spends the the night in Yuri's bed.
They never do anything together except for some incidental groping. They simply aren't attracted to each other. They are both twinks -- 24 and 28 years old, respectively, smooth, pleasantly muscular but not bodybuilders and they both like 40+, super-muscular, with Mortadella+ beneath the belt.
Sunday evening
My shift ends, and I go home to find Yuri and Wade in the living room, watching Futurama and eating Chinese food. I help myself to some kung pao chicken and join them to watch King of the Hill and The Simpsons.
Then Barney returns with the Jolly Green Giant: about 60, huge, at least 6'8" tall, with gigantic shoulders, a massive chest.
He shakes each of our hands. His hands are huge, as big as typewriters.
"Where do you train?" Yuri asks politely. Wade just stares as if he has never seen anyone so beautiful before.
"I don't train," the Giant says, his voice a deep basso profundo. "I do some sit-ups and push-ups, but that's about it."
"It's all from moving boxes all day!" Barney exclaims. "Can you believe it? Brent is a natural!"
"Did you meet at the bathhouse?" I ask.
Barney grins. "That would be telling."
They decide to watch Malcolm in the Middle with us. Barney takes his favorite chair, and the Giant sits on the floor in front of the couch, leaning his arms against my lap and Wade's leg.
Wade starts to blush and grabs a pillow to cover his arousal.
Yuri notices, too. "Will you spend the night?" he asks Wade with a grin.
Barney goes to the kitchen to get some of his famous low-fat rhubarb crisp for dessert.
Picture it: Barney and the Giant in their bedroom, with the door a crack open (Barney is a fresh air freak). The sounds of erotic activity drift across the hall to Yuri's bedroom, the door also a crack open. Yuri is reading a book and Wade is lying in his underwear, thinking.
"I could just..."
Yuri cuts him off. "You don't share on the first date. And they don't even ask you."
"But dude, he's so hot! So tall -- I'll bet he's got a big one!"
"He is Barney's date. You must keep your hands off."
Soon Yuri turns off the light and goes to sleep. But Wade doesn't. He lies awake, thinking.
After awhile he hears the door of Barney's room creak open, footsteps down the hall, and someone urinating. He jumps out of bed, rushes to the bathroom, and flings open the door, planning to say "Oh, sorry, I didn't know...." and at least get a glimpse of the Giant's Mortadella+.
It's Barney.
The rest of the story is here.
See also: Wade the Beach Boy; Jack the Vacuum Cleaner.
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