Friends That You Haven't Seen Naked

Q: Is it true that when you lived in gay neighborhoods, you had sex with all your friends?

A.  Yes, if you classify "friend" as someone you see socially on a regular basis.  Remember, most friends started off as guys you dated, so we had sex then.  After we broke up, we shared new boyfriends, cruised together, had sex at parties, or just had sex because...well, why wouldn't you?

Q: Did you ever have a friend that you weren't attracted to?

A: Since most friends were ex-boyfriends and hookups, there weren't many guys I didn't find attractive in my social circle  The only way I might hang out with someone I didn't find attractive is if one of my friends was dating him.  Even then, I would certainly go down on him, or let him go down on me.  It would be rude not to.

Q: What about guys who were celibate, asexual, or saving themselves for Mr. Right?

A. I  rarely met anyone like that.  I think that, the culture was so much about sex as a standard form of recreation, part of nearly every social gathering, it was hard for them to make and keep friends.

Q: Monogamous couples?

A: There weren't many of those around.  Some guys speculated that they didn't exist at all, but I think that "sharing" was such a common part of the culture that without it, monogamous couples just couldn't make a lot of friends.  They had each other.


Q: Did you have any friends who were women or straight men?

A:  Lesbians shared the space with us, and were working toward the same goals, but they were allies, not friends.  I talked to them at church and at club meetings, but didn't hang out with them.

Straight people were the enemy.  You didn't speak to them if you could help it.  Even if they seemed ok, you could never come out -- too dangerous, you would get screamed at.  But you couldn't pretend to be straight, either -- "passing" was the worst possible crime.  So you could never let your guard down enough to become friends.






Q: Sounds rather constrained.

A: That's not a question, but remember, gay men come in all sizes and shapes, all races and religions, all socioeconomic classes and personality types.  Our social circles were much more diverse than those of heterosexuals, who tend to be similar in age, race, and background.

Q: How do friendships in the straight world differ?

There aren't enough gay men around to form a full social circle.  You end up having lunch with women, and going to parties full of straight people, so of course sex isn't even thought of.

Q: But you still have sex with your gay friends, right?

That's the interesting part. Maybe because they're so used to hanging out with women and straight men, but gay men here usually don't have sex with their friends.  If you're dating and break up, you don't have sex again, not even to "share." I've tried to change the culture, but with limited success.

Q: Does it bother you?

Not really.  It's actually rather nice to spend an entire evening without worrying about your sexual performance.  But still, I miss the days when you would go to a party knowing that, before the end of the evening, you would see every guy there naked.