Rating Guys in West Hollywood

Remember how precisely potential boyfriends and husbands were rated back at Augustana, my undergraduate college? Mostly on their future bank account, but also on their independence (living away from home, having a car), their coolness (disco moves, being bad), and their face and physique.

I have been trying to think how we rated potential boyfriends in West Hollywood.

Their physique was the most important factor. You were generally safe dating someone up to one level higher or two levels lower than you.  For instance, a 7 could date anyone from 5 to 8.  Any higher, and there would be too much competition from other guys trying to steal him away.  Any lower, and everyone would always wonder why you were so desperate; you must have some hidden flaw.

9-10. Bodybuilder. Competitive-style basketball-size biceps, xylophone abs, and traps like knotted cords hands down.  Your personality and bank book didn't matter; if you could bench 300, everyone was in love with you. Who cared that it was like hugging a marble statue?

7-8. Gym Rat. Not competitive but nicely muscled, with a tight chest, heavy biceps, and thin abs, the sort of physique you get with only 2 hours a day at the gym.

5-6. Chubby.  Some guys shunned the chubby, yelling "no femmes or fats" in their personal ads, but most guys liked a little heft, whether it was muscle or fat.

3-4. Skinny.  I'm not sure why. Maybe skinny guys were suspected of being sick.  Or, since a main focus of West Hollywood dates and parties was eating, they were suspected of being antisocial.

2-1. Feminine.  There's just no way around it.  In spite of our belief that people should "be who they are," in spite of our awareness that gender norms are social constructs designed to promote sexism and homophobia, feminine guys were at the bottom of the barrel.  A lilt in your voice, a sashay in your step, a flutter in your hands, and we were noping our way to the other side of the bar.

Having a big cock, a handsome face, or an outgoing personality could push you up one or two levels, so a #3 with all of these traits would become a #5.  Conversely, having a small cock, a ugly face, or a shy-and-quiet personality, so a #9 could find himself treated like a #7.

Having friends on higher levels could also push you up (think of the sharing possibilities!).  But friends on a lower level pushed you down.

Being a sleazoid (leering, joking, making sexual innuendos) pushed you down a level.

But having money did not push you up, nor did being poor push you down, as long as you weren't homeless or living in a residential hotel.  Most of us had chosen West Hollywood over careers, so we were living on various service jobs, and couldn't afford our own apartments.   

Any discussion of heterosexual relationships in your past, or hint of heterosexual desire (such as pointing out the attractiveness of a passing woman) immediately pushed you down to a 1.  Regardless of your other qualities, you were essentially undateable.    

You could even go down a level for mentioning interests that fairly or not, we defined as "too hetero":  science fiction and fantasy, action-adventure movies, the beach, and sports of all sorts.

I was a gym rat with a face and a cock, which pushed me up, but my interest in science fiction pushed me down, so I evened out at about a 7.  I went out with a lot of gym rats and chubby guys, but hardly ever a bodybuilder, even when I worked on Muscle and Fitness.

But it wasn't an exact science.  Often you would choose a guy who had your friends saying "That's not his type at all. What's the attraction?"

See also: What Made Sandy a 10?

10 Types of West Hollywood Parties

When I was living in West Hollywood, parties were a major form of socializing.  We held them, or were invited to them, at least once a week, sometimes twice.  Around major holidays like Christmas and Gay Pride, you might be invited to two or three every weekend.

Parties came in different types, with different expectations about what would happen and how they would end.

1. The New Boyfriend.  To introduce a new boyfriend to the group and get their approval, typically on the third or fourth date.   At the end of the evening, one of the guests would be invited to "share" (go into the bedroom for a threesome).

2. Coming Out.  For introducing a new friend to the group, either someone who was newly out or someone who had just escaped to West Hollywood from a homophobic small town.  He had to tell his coming out story.  At the end of the evening, some of the guests would take him "cruising" (looking for dates at the bars).

3. Moving.  You're moving in with a new boyfriend.  Your roommate moved out, so you can no longer afford the rent.  You want to move closer to your job.  You want to move closer to the heart of West Hollywood, Santa Monica and La Cienega.  You didn't have a lot of stuff in West Hollywood, so grab a few friends, rent a U-Haul, and you're done in a couple of hours, followed by a shower and pizza.

4. Christmas.  Rather a depressing holiday, full of hetero family nonsense.  Gay men have often been rejected by their families, or their families are a thousand miles away.  We overcame the depression by hosting nonstop parties where you made fun of Christmas classics, sang double-entendre-laden songs, and unwrapped x-rated presents.

5. Dinner.  A West Hollywood staple, a chance for you to show off your culinary skills.  Followed by discussions of gigantic penises, dates from hell, and celebrity hookups, and entertainment (a nude dancer) or games involving nudity.  At the end of the evening, some guys would be invited to "share" the roommates, and others would go out cruising.

More after the break.