It seems that all of the celebrity dating and hookup stories I'm getting lately took place in the 1960s or 1970s. They involve Andy Griffith, Bobby Driscoll, Jack Wild, Tony Dow, and Ricky Nelson. I wanted to hear about someone more contemporary.
But I haven't lived in Los Angeles for 20 years, and the friends I have left there haven't added any new celebrity hookup stories in forever. At the last West Hollywood party I attended, in 2011, they talked about Scott Baio and Sylvester Stallone.
Frankly, I'm getting a little sick of hearing about Scott Baio and Sylvester Stallone.
Among the top-earning male stars top male stars of 2017 are Chris Pratt, Mark Wahlberg, Kevin Hart, Vin Diesel, Chris Evans, Josh Gad, and Chris Hemsworth.
Surely a friend of a friend has been in Chris Evans' or Josh Gad's bed.
Among the top teen idols over age 18 are Cameron Boyce, Justin Bieber, Cameron Dallas, Aaron Carter, Nolan Gould, Hayes Grier, Shawn Mendes, Josh Hutcherson, Asa Butterfield, and Sean O'Donnell.
So I took the bull by the horns: when I was back in California last week, I called the youngest guy I was still in touch with, my "son," Infinite Chazz, 17 years old when I met him in 1992. He's now 42, working for a social service agency in Hollywood.
"Dig up your twink friends," I told him. "Especially the ones with some kind of connection to show business. We're going to have an old-fashioned West Hollywood party, with prizes for whoever has the biggest penis, whoever can get aroused the fastest, and whoever tells the best celebrity hookup story."
"Well, I win every 'biggest penis' contest," Chazz said. "Where do you think I got the nickname Infinite? But I like the idea of a celebrity hookup story contest. My partner Jeremy is in the business, so he's sure to have a lot. And he has some other friends in the business, too."
So Infinite Chazz and Jeremy invited me to dinner, along with two of their twink friends, Dylan and Michael.
After dinner, I announced, "Each of you tell your best celebrity dating or hookup story. The most famous celebrity you've been with. Chazz will rate each story on a scale of 1 to 10. The highest score gets to go into the bedroom with anyone he wants for ten minutes."
I guess the most famous celebrity I've dated is Zachary Quinto, Spock on the new "Star Trek" reboot. We met in 2010, when I was working on "American Horror Story," and Zach was playing the gay character. We went out twice.
Zach was nice, and very nicely hung, an anal top, in case you want to know, but we just were too different to make it work. I'm the quiet, stay-at-home type, and he always has to be the life of the party. Besides, he really wasn't my type physically. I like guys with a little more male-model style handsomeness.
Jeremy looked at Chazz expectantly.
"Um...isn't Zachary Quinto out?" he asked.
"Yes, he came out in 2009, a year before we met."
"5.3," Chazz said. "Points off for a story about an out guy. The best celebrity hookup stories are always about guys who are in the closet. That's part of the thrill."
When I was a freshman at Stanford, I met a cute guy named Johnny Lowe in my lit class. Quintessential geek, into video games and graphic novels, but cute, with a long face, a smooth chest, a little belly, and crazy hung. I could barely get my mouth around the head! We were at it three or four times a night, when we weren't eating pizza and playing World of Warcraft.
My first real boyfriend! But it only lasted a few months. I'm into monogamy, and he hit on everything that moved -- boys and girls both! Anyway, we stayed friends.
I knew his last name was Lowe, but it wasn't until we had been friends for over a year that I realized that his father was Rob Lowe from "The West Wing."
Dylan looked at Chazz expectantly.
"6.5. Extra points for the big cock, but points off because he's a son of a celebrity, not a celebrity himself."
"He's been in some things. Rob's tv series The Grinder, their reality show..."
"Ok, 6.6."
3. Michael.This story is about Cameron Dallas. Very famous actor, Vine star, one of the top teen idols in the country, and not out.
I was on the Santa Monica Pier, when I saw Cameron with some of his friends -- all male, I might add. I went up, playing it cool, and talked to him. He gave me a cruisy stare, but he couldn't make a move with so many guys around. We shook hands, and I turned it into a full body hug. I felt his dick getting hard against me. But then he backed off.
He looked at Chazz expectantly.
"So...a grope. No date or hookup?"
"Um...no.".
"Um...celebrity hookup stories should involve sex. 4.7."
"Well, what about you, Dad?" Jeremy asked. "You lived in West Hollywood during the 1980s. You must have hooked up with a ton of celebrities. Famous ones. Closeted ones."
"Of course. Lots."
"Well, tell us about a mega-famous guy who you had sex with, and who wasn't out. I'll bet you'll be the winner for sure."
"Sure, no problem." Then I began to think
Peter Barton. Not famous anymore.
Tom Villard. Out.
Wesley Eure. Out.
Christopher Atkins. Just a sausage sighting.
Macaulay Culkin. Just a sausage sighting.
John Stamos. Just a grope.
Nate Richert. Just a grope.
Robin Williams' bodyguard.
Douglas Barr. Who?.
Michael J. Fox. Just lunch. But I had made things up often enough:
Just after I moved to West Hollywood in 1985, my friend Marcus introduced me to Michael J. Fox, who was starring in "Family Ties" and "Back to the Future." Big star. The three of us had lunch, and then went back to Marcus' house in the Hollywood Hills.
First I went down on Michael while he went down on Marcus. Michael had about 6.5", cut. We got into the 69 position while Marcus fondled my butt, and then I lay on top of Michael for interfemoral while Marcus was mounting him from the top. Afterwards we exchanged phone numbers, but we never got together again.
I looked at Chazz expectantly. This story had everything: a famous but not out celebrity with a big cock that I went down on. Who cared that it never actually happened?
"4.5," Chazz said. "Points off for forgetting the most important part of a celebrity hookup story -- it should be real. You told the Michael J. Fox story a lot when you lived here, and I know it was just kissing and groping -- you didn't actually have sex with him." He turned to Dylan. "I guess you're the winner. Who would you like to take into the bedroom?"
Dylan looked at my crotch. "I'll take your Dad, even if he doesn't know any celebrities."
See: Gay Dating Stories about Tony Dow; Michael J. Fox Beneath the Belt; A Hookup with Cole or Dylan Sprouse.
There wasn't even any kissing and groping with Michael J. Fox. I suspect that Chazz was mixing him up with Nate Richert.
ReplyDeleteWhile watching The Lowe Files, episode 3, the guys are riding in Robs truck which has numerous cameras. One in particular seems always to be pointed at Johns crotch. Fortunately John is always scratching and fondling himself. In this episode John had something in his hand. Abruptly, he shoved is hand down inside his pants and seemed to start masterbating. Of course the camera shifted to something else. Yeah I know. I couldn't believe it either.
ReplyDeleteWell, the only celebrity I've ever had sex with was Richard Simmons -- and most people are more than willing to let me stop there.
ReplyDelete