In part it was due to envy: my friends were all apparently giving blow jobs to Sylvester Stallone, making out with Rob Lowe, getting tied up by Keanu Reeves, and after a year, all I could brag about were Lee H. Montgomery and Douglas Barr, plus a hug from Michael J. Fox.
I was meeting -- or seeing -- tv stars quite often, but none of them seemed interested in dating. So I made the rounds of the lesser known and downright obscure, hoping that the guy I dated last night would make it big, and I could say "I went down on him back when." Sometimes it worked out ok, and I got a nice romantic evening, a blow job, a sausage sighting, or at least lunch.
Sometimes it was regrettable, to say the least.
Here are five celebrity hookups from hell. I'm sure that these actors are very nice, and some people no doubt find them hot, but for whatever reason our time together ranged from dismal to "get me out of here!"
1. James Faulkner, Herod in the I, Claudius miniseries (1976) and Aldous Huxley in Priest of Love (1981). Not at all my type: bald, pale, chunky, small beneath the belt, and sharing a last name with my least favorite author.To be fair, he wasn't my hookup, he was Lane's. We met him at a leather bar in London in 1993, and brought him back to our hotel, where wee discovered that he was into wet, sloppy kisses and the biting of nipples.
2. Cain Devore starred with John Stamos in the short-lived comedy Dreams (1984-85), and I guess did some soap work after. Not my usual type: skinny, frizzy dirty blond hair, very tan, but cute in a rockster-Bohemian way. Alan and I picked him up at Mugi in 1986 and brought him home, but he was too drunk to rise to the occasion.
3. I had never actually seen Howard E. Rollins, Jr. in anything when Lane and I met him at an AIDS benefit in 1995. He told us about his work in The Heat of the Night (1988-94), but not that he had 3 DUIs and a cocaine problem, or that he was in rehab. Very well hung, but an anal bottom. Neither of us were into that, so we just kind of beat off.
5. At least Georg Olden was cute. He was starring in Rocky Road (1985-87) about three siblings who run an ice cream parlor on Pismo Beach, when I saw him at a Greek restaurant in Hollywood -- while I was on a date with someone else! He was only 18, still going to Beverly Hills High, and I was not yet a twink magnet, so I had no way to attract his attention. I made a complete fool of myself, and lost both guys.
The link is broken. I was going to say, it's weird how heterosexist the TV adaptation of the Incredible Hulk was. No Rick Jones (but to be fair, no Betty Ross, the two are often equated in the comics tho) and Bruce becomes David to avoid a "gay" name. (Was Bruce considered a gay name because of Batman?)
ReplyDeleteThe whole thing feels weird. Mosly because the Hulk is such a subversive comic, by Silver Age standards at least. The military are antagonists. Sympathetic antagonists, but antagonists. There are these strange equations of Betty and Rick, particularly when the Leader is mocking him for even having feelings in the first place. More recently (not really recently, we're talking 80a/90s) She-Hulk has mocked censorship by asking Wyatt Wingfoot for a shirt because no one goes insane at the sight of his nipples.