A Guide to Physique Watching

There's nothing like a bulge, or better yet a sausage sighting, but have you ever seen a picture of a penis without the guy it's attached to?  Or gone down on someone in a darkroom without seeing or feeling his body first?  Boring!  We're attracted to everything that makes a man a man, the way he moves, the way he sounds, his clothes, his face, his physique.

Especially his physique, the front of his trunk, his chest, abs, shoulders and arms.

There are eight main types of physiques, dependent on genes and your exercise routine.  Each has its attractions.










1. I like a Bodybuilder's Physique: well-defined, thick muscles, especially triceps (very hard to develop) and abs (a six-pack suggests very low body fat).  The muscles stand out better with dark skin and a shaved or bare chest.

A Bodybuilder's Physique requires a strict diet, a dedicated personal trainer, and at least four hours per day in the gym.  It's physically impossible for many of us, and beyond the emotional and financial reach of most.

2. But not to worry, two hours per day at the gym and a reasonably healthy diet can produce a West Hollywood Physique.

Tight and firm, a v-shaped torso, a flat belly rather than a six-pack and big pecs and biceps -- muscles that are easy to bulk up, and stand out the most when you're dressed in street clothes.  This guy looks like Troy, my boyfriend in Upstate New York.

He's actually pumped up from a recent workout. His usual appearance is somewhat more manageable.

3. The Swimmer's Physique can be had with even less gym time, an hour a day, concentrating on cardio.  The chest and biceps are smaller, lean and hard rather than exceptionally big, and there's more attention paid to the abs.  This works best with an outtie belly button.

4. The Slim Physique comes from minimal weight training and a lot of cardio.  It emphasizes long, smooth lines, with little arm and shoulder development, though there still should be some abs work.    Sometimes it's nice to be able to fit your arms around the guy, and a Slim Physique shows off the penis better: less fat around the pubic mound means that it hangs all the way down.

If you were hung to begin with, a Slim Physique can give you a monster.

5. Since hair tends to decrease definition and draw the eye away from the muscle, a hairy chest works best with physiques that don't emphasize pecs:   The Mediterranean  Physique (because it is commonly found in guys with ancestry from Italy, Greece, and the Balkans) develops the pecs just enough to produce some hardness, and allows a little belly fat over developed abs.  

6. The Bear Physique, only for guys with a hairy chest, comes from weight training without any dietary restrictions.  It results in pec and bicep development plus a layer of fat, a pleasant sense of massiveness.  Very nice for hugging.  This guy looks like Alan, the ex-porn star, except Alan's penis was a big longer.

7. With a Chubby Physique, weight training and cardio should be the minimum necessary to maintain health. You can develop chest and arms if you want, but no one's looking at them: it's all about your belly, which extends at least an inch beyond the waist, a symbol of raw masculine power.

You can't get a chubby belly without accumulating fat in your pubic mound, which encases your penis and makes it look smaller.  Obese men can see it shrink down by half.  So if you are small to begin with, a Chubby Physique is probably not the way to go.

Pop Quiz: Which type of physique is this?

Don't be fooled by the fact that he's supine: in that position much of the belly fat recedes into the abdomen. When he sits up, you'll see that he has a Mediterranean Physique.

The Muscle Bear Who Didn't Believe in Sharing

Rhinebeck, New York, May 1999

In the spring of 1999, when I was dating Joe the Regular Guy, we took the train up the Hudson Valley to Rhinebeck to visit his ex boyfriend Travis, the first guy he ever dated, back when he was a young, naive undergrad at Bard College.

Travis actually worked as a carpenter -- he made good money building custom furniture for rich people.  He was in his 40s, muscular, with a beard and a hairy chest, wearing overalls with no shirt.

He had two dogs, who greeted Joe enthusiastically, two cats, and a rabbit.  Plus two pick up trucks, a wood shop, a refrigerator full of beer, and a living room with copies of Field and Stream on the coffee table.  Just like my mother's relatives in Indiana, except he was gay.

 I started having fantasies of those long, dark nights at the farmhouse outside Garrett, sitting on my Uncle Paul's lap or trying spying on Uncle Ed's "gun."

Although Joe and I hadn't discussed it on the way up, I naturally expected to "share."

Rhinebeck is full of chic bistros with names like The Tasting Room and Puccini's, for the Gucci crowd that drives up from the City on weekends, but Travis took us out for pizza.  Then we watched a movie, Joe and I and the dogs on the couch, Travis and a cat occupying a chair, even though he could barely see the tv from that position.

No discussion of sharing, so I decided to bring it up myself.

"It's great that you're still such good friends with your ex," I began, ignoring the fact that in gay communities, most of your friends are ex-boyfriends.  "I'm not really close to Blake, who I dated before Joe."

Joe grabbed my knee vigorously.  Later I discovered that he was prodding me to change the subject, but I thought he was just being affectionate.

"You dated Joe's roommate?" Travis asked, eyes widening.

"Sure.  In fact, we hit it off one night when Blake and I...."

Joe nudged me.

"What?  I was just going to mention the night we..."

"...all had dinner together!  Hey, Boomer, let's go out into the backyard and look at the stars!  They're very bright out here in the woods!"

He dragged me into the back yard -- the dogs eagerly followed, thinking they were going for a walk.  "Don't talk about sharing!" he whispered savagely.  "Travis is very conservative -- he's only been with three guys in his life.  He'd go crazy if he found out we shared."

"Ok, ok, I won't bring it up."

 In the middle of the night I got up to go to the bathroom, and passed Travis's bedroom.  The door was wide open.  Travis lay in bed.  He had kicked off the covers -- I could see a bare backside illuminated in pale light from the nightstand.  The dogs, curled up on the floor, looked up expectantly.

If he didn't want to invite us in, why did he sleep naked, with the door wide open?

I went in, patted the dogs each on the head, and moved on.

On Saturday we hiked to the top of Indian Head, and then explored the village of Woodstock, where the hippies never left.  In the evening, Travis invited a couple he knew, Todd and Henry, both hairy, bearded bears, over for grilled steaks and vegetables.  They brought a pie.

"So, how did you boys meet? Henry asked with a leer.

"Um...in the City," Joe said.  "Boomer knew my roommate Blake."

"There are so many temptations in the City!" Todd said.  "Bath houses, bear parties, hot guys cruising you all the time.  How do you manage to stay faithful?  It's hard enough for us, out here in the boondocks!"

"It takes work," Travis said, "But it's worth it, right, guys?"

But I was tired of feeling guilty over sharing.  "That's the nice thing about gay relationships -- they don't have to obey that heterosexual 'wife as property' rule.  Nobody's going to get pregnant, so who cares if you bring in a third guy from time to time? I...."

They were all staring at me, except for Joe, who had suddenly become very interested in feeding a piece of steak to a begging dog.

"Sharing?" Travis asked.

"Um...of course, it's not for everyone..."

"Oh, please, we're not hicks!" Henry said.  "We have Travis over all the time!"

I was confused.  "But...I was going to bring it up last night, but Joe said you weren't into it."

"He isn't!" Joe exclaimed.  "Or...every time we talk, he goes on and on about how you should be faithful to one guy, how he's only been with three guys in his life."

"I wasn't...um, exactly honest about my love life," Travis said.  "I didn't want you to think I was a slut.  Quiet, shy farmboy from Ulster County, altar boy at the Catholic Church, doesn't even know that gay people exist, has to ask me how they go about having sex."

"That was eight years ago!  I'm...people change.  They grow up."

"Ok, ok," Henry said.  "I see what happened here.  Everybody was afraid to come out.  But I can solve this little disagreement with two simple words: Bear Party.  Right here, right now.  Who's up for it?"

See also: Landing My Boyfriend's Roommate.