Saturday, April 16, 2016
My Date with a Star of "The Wizards of Waverly Place"
I'm at Whiskey River, a Plains restaurant which doesn't really serve whiskey, with Jimmy the Boy Toy, the housemate of my older platonic friends: 21 years old, slim, sandy-haired, with the most perfect uncut Kielbasa I've ever seen.
This is our fifth date: we've somehow become boyfriends.
I've been dating younger guys for years, and there are some strategic problems:
1. I go to bed at 10:00 pm, and they are still up at 2:00 am..
2. They always order the most expensive entree on the menu, plus a drink and dessert, and expect me to pay for it.
3. They want sex five times a night, and expect me to comply.
4. Their friends don't want me hanging around.
5. I don't understand most of their cultural references.
When the excitement of dating an older guy wears off, they usually move on to someone closer to their own age.
I need to impress Jimmy with something other than my physique and checkbook.
How about a celebrity dating story? They usually impress guys.
How about Nate Richert, Harvey on the TGIF sitcom Sabrina the Teenage Witch (1996-2003)? We made out at a gay dance club in West Hollywood. I felt an aroused Kielbasa in his pants.
No, not famous enough. Besides, Jimmy was born in 1993, so he probably wouldn't remember Sabrina the Teenage Witch
I could just make up a celebrity dating story out of an innocent meeting or autograph signing. Guys in West Hollywood did it all the time.
Who's famous now? Who have I been posting about on my blog recently?
The Goldbergs, Neil Diamond, Mickey Rooney, Kevin Zegers, a lot of Estonians, The Wizards of Waverly Place! The Disney Channel teencom (2007-2012) about a family of wizards in modern day New York, with innumerable gay subtexts and an endless supply of teenage beefcake.
The teenagers, David Henrie and Jake T. Austin, are too young, unless our date was last year, but the Dad is played by 43-year old David DeLuise, who was doing a lot of tv shows and movies in the 1990s, when I lived in West Hollywood....
"I made out with one of the stars of Wizards of Waverly Place!" I announce.
"Really?" Jimmy's eyes widen. "Which one? David Henrie? He's so hot I can't stand it, but isn't he homophobic? Not Jake T. Austin -- I know he's gay, but he's only -- what? Sixteen? I know -- Gregg Sulkin, the werewolf?"
Gregg Sulkin has a recurring role as a werewolf-boy who is dating daughter Alex.
Gulp. He hasn't mention David DeLuise. He must not find him attractive. I have to pick someone else, fast! But I don't know the names of any other male cast members.
"Yep," I say forlornly, trapped. "It was Gregg Sulkin."
Think! What do you know about Sulkin that will give you a narrative hook? He's young, British -- and Jewish! And I was just back at Beth Chaim Chadashim last summer, where I picked up a Cute Young Thing, a Jewish boy from Tennessee. Why not make him....
I was back in West Hollywood visiting my old friends, going to my old hangouts. Lane had converted to Christianity and become an Episcopalian, but for nostalgia's sake he and his partner Ben took me to a Friday night service at Beth Chaim Chadashim, the gay synagogue.
After nearly 20 years, I barely recognized anyone, but the prayers and songs were still pleasantly familiar. I got the "new guy" treatment, with people going out of their way to be friendly -- and cruise.
As a twink magnet, I drew the attention of the young crowd, the newly out and closeted guys who were still living with conservative parents or struggling with "is it ok to be gay and Jewish?" mishegas that the rest of us overcame years ago. I was approached by a Cute Young Thing who introduced himself as Gregg, from London. (Rich, from Nashville).
Probably 20 years old, short but rather muscular, with a broad chest and thick biceps (short and slim, with a narrow chest and long, thin biceps). He had big hair, a round open face, and red, feminine lips, and a cute British accent (short hair, a long face, and a Southern accent).
Suddenly I recognized him as the werewolf boy from Wizards of Waverly Place, but I played it cool. "I love London (Nashville)," I told him. "I was there a couple of years ago. Such an interesting history."
"L.A. is great, but I miss London (Nashville) every day. There's just something about home that stays with you forever."
"Home for me is right here in West Hollywood," Lane said. "I live in Orange County now, but I'm still up here a couple times a week."
Gregg turned to me. "Where's home for you, Boomer?"
"Every gay guy in the world wants to live in West Hollywood." He laughed and touched my shoulder. Feeling its hardness, he got that dreamy half-aroused look. "So, what are you doing tomorrow? I could show you the sights of L.A.. I can give you an insider tour of the Hollywood Center Studios (UCLA).
The next day Gregg picked me up in his 2013 Fiat (1996 Toyota) and took me on a greenhorn tour: Mann's Chinese Theater, the Walk of Fame, the Pacific Design Center, Beverly Hills, the Santa Monica pier.
Whoops, I forgot the Hollywood Center Studios. Too much trouble. Why didn't I stick with Nate Richert?
We had to meet Lane and Ben for dinner, so we didn't have time for the Hollywood Center Studios. But we had time to go back to Gregg's house in Burbank (tiny, cramped apartment off Fairfax). He was very passionate, into giving and receiving oral, and an anal bottom. I don't usually do anal, but he was so hot that I obliged (I didn't). Mortadella+ beneath the belt (average size)
Time to wrap this up. And explain why Gregg was with me when he's had any number of girlfriends. I invent a whole conversation:
"How long will you be in town?" Gregg asked as we cuddled in bed.
"Another three days. Why?"
"Well, the thing is, I have a girlfriend."
I stared. "So...um..."
"It's ok, we have an open relationship. We're both bisexual, and we like to bring a third person in from time to time. We hooked up with a really hot girl last weekend. If you're into it, I was wondering if...."
That was a major turn off, but at least I got to go down on the werewolf of Waverly Place.
Plains, April 2014
I'm proud of myself. I managed to transform my date with a West Hollywood Cute Young Thing into a believable date with a contemporary tv star, on the spur of the moment, with no background research. But I'm also feeling guilty. I've never made up a celebrity dating story before without having at least met the guy.
"Great story!" Jimmy exclaims. "I always thought Gregg went both ways. You know the tv star I had the biggest crush on as a kid?"
"Don't laugh -- he's not a superhunk, but he was so cute! When I was seven or eight years old, I was totally in love with him. My parents said they knew I was gay because every time he came on, I was just glued to the screen."
"Well, don't keep me in suspense. Who was it?"
"Did you ever watch Sabrina the Teenage Witch? I had a crush on Nate Richert, who played Harvey."
The guy I was really with! I start kicking myself.
See also: My Platonic Friends and Their Boy Toy; Nate Richert's Kielbasa; Jimmy's Date with Dylan O'Brien