The Four Fugly Hookups of Minneapolis

I'm in Minneapolis for a conference, and so far I am not happy.  Bitterly cold in late March.

This is supposed to be the gay neighborhood, but it's sketchy and dissolute, lots of derelicts sleeping in doorways and people walking slowly while talking to themselves, not many gay people.

I did find a gay store, in a little galleria where they were triple-parked.  The moment I walked inside, the clerk said suspiciously "Can I help you find anything?"

"Um...you sell souvenirs and gifts.  I didn't come here with a shopping list.  I want to browse."

The food is frightfully expensive -- $20 for breakfast?  My travel allowance is $10.

And the city is downright ugly!  Beat up, boarded up buildings, dismal storefronts, broken sidewalks, busy streets that you have to run across.

The Walker Museum of Art doesn't look like this.  The facade is completely covered by construction tarps, and you have to wait for three stoplights across a major highway to get there.

And the hookups!  Lord have mercy!

I put ads on Grindr, Adam4Adam, Scruff, and Men4SexNow, and get nothing except for three hustlers in a row.  "Could I get some gas money?"  "You generous?"  "You pay me for cock?"

Finally I get a decent guy: Carlo, a tall, muscular guy in his 30s who sends me two buffed body pics and two cock pics (top photo).  I invite him over for a blow job.  He's supposed to arrive at 8:00.

8:00, 8:10, 8:20.  No Carlo.  Meanwhile someone named UseMeSir chirps:  "Oh, sir, I want you to fuck me."

"Oral only."

"I'll do anything you want.  I want you to completely dominate me.  Take complete control."

"Well, I don't have any ropes."

"Oh, I'll provide those, sir.  Just take me and use me, make me your slave."

A hotel room BDSM scene?   Might be interesting, and Carlo is definitely a no show.  I invite UseMeSir over at 9:00.

Fugly #1: Carlo

9:00 sharp.  Carlo arrives, an hour late!  "I'm sorry, I couldn't find a parking space."

Nothing like his photo, a slim feminine guy with pomaded hair and a fragrance, but I figure, what the heck?  I'll do him and get him out of there fast.

"We have to be quick," I tell him.  "I have another guy coming at 9:00."

"Another guy?"  His eyes widen.  "I should be going."  And he rushes out so fast he makes a zooming sound.

Oh, well, I can wait for UseMeSir.

9:10, 9:15, 9:30, no UseMeSir.  Obviously a no show.

BoatGuy is a buffed blond who says he lives in Wisconsin, 45 minutes away, but is willing to drop everything in a heartbeat and drive in.

Ok, I'm desperate.  He says he'll be here at 10:30.

At 10:30 sharp UseMeSir arrives!

"Oh, sir, I'm sorry I'm late, I got drunk to boost my courage enough to come here, and then I lost my cell phone, and a lady found it for me."

He's hideous, about my height, skinny, ugly face, sore on his forehead, more open sores on his arms and legs.  Do people get Karposi's Sarcoma anymore?

"Are you sick?" I ask.  "You have open sores."

"That's just eczema.  Everybody in my family has sensitive skin."

He's hideous, but I figure, he's already here, and BoatGuy will probably be a no show.  So I order him to get naked, and tie him to a chair.  Then I gag him, blindfold him, and attach clothespins to his nipples.

And BoatGuy knocks on the door!  He showed up after all!

Fugly #2: BoatGuy.  A buffed blond with a barrel chest.  Very hot.  But I  have a hideous ugly guy tied to a chair.

BoatGuy's eyes widen.

"This is my 9:00 -- he arrived a little late.  You can watch, or participate, or wait in the lobby for about 20 minutes until the scene is over, whichever you want."

But he scrams out of there as if all of the demons of hell are chasing him.

I can't blame him.  I'm mortified with embarrassment.

Fugly #3: UseMeSir.

I am really angry with UseMeSir for depriving me of two hookups!  You don't do a BDSM scene when you are angry, so I untie him and get him out of there.

Outraged, I go back on Grindr.  Someone named Top You Now sends me just a cock picture and says it's 7.5".  I know, bad idea, but I'm even more desperate, so I invite him over.

Fugly #4: Top You Now:  About 1000 years old, with a drooping face, bad yellowed teeth, and skin tags and moles everywhere.  I can hardly stand to look at him.  He wants to kiss, but no way I'm putting my mouth on that face!

It's not 7.5".  More like 4.5".

I go down on him anyway.

Wouldn't you?

Tomorrow I'm not even going to try.  Museums and art galleries only.  Congratulations, Minneapolis, you beat out Houston as my least favorite city in the U.S.